Six weeks out

Today Sam and I went in for our 6 week checkup.  My little chunker was up 3 lbs since the 2 week appointment!  That’s 11 lbs 4 oz, and somewhere around 23-23.5 inches.  Which means he doesn’t actually look that chunky.  Apparently I am “healed”, everything looks good, and that was our last appointment with the midwife, until next time.  Until next time?  That’s a thought that’s been going through my head that solicits conflicting responses.

Will there be a next time?

I know, 6 weeks out and its ridiculous that I’m even thinking about this already.  But several people have asked if I’m “fixed” now, in the truest sense of the word (as opposed to how its commonly used).  Other people (ahem, my mom and MIL) both apparently think that I’ll be pregnant again ASAP.  I’m sure other people due too.  Who knows what will happen?  I guess to someone who had trouble getting pregnant, people fail to realize that there are worse things than having two kids close together, if God were to grant that to me.  Granted, now that I realize the work associated with 1 child, I also realize the gravity associated with bringing a child into this world and want to make sure I’m healthy as possible to handle such a situation, but I also know that, should I be granted another child fairly quickly, there could be worse things.  Like never having children at all.  It reminds me of these two posts, both written about a similar topic.

Its amazing how quickly people seem to forget your struggle once you have a kid, which includes people who struggled to have a kid in the first place.  A relative asked if now that we got pregnant, did we decrease the number of children we wanted?  Like, now we only wanted two, right?  Well, not exactly, we just decided to give up on being worried about a number.

And who knows if I’m “fixed”.  I was “fixed” enough to get pregnant once, I guess it could happen again, I don’t see why not.  We have proof of concept, I can have a healthy child to term, that’s huge.  But I also have no idea what’s in the future for us.

I do know that I have a healthy baby boy to our surprise yesterday did a little moonwalk:

and then, while I was trying to capture it, did this, which may look like falling over, but to us was HUGE:

Six weeks suddenly feels like a lifetime.

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What a difference a year makes

Exactly one year ago I was waking up from surgery crying when I heard them say endometriosis in the recovery room.  I was still hoping that maybe nothing was wrong.  I wish I could lie and say I handled it well and had peace in the room and yada yada yada but I didn’t.  I went in afraid and I woke up afraid.  What was I doing, all the way in Omaha to get surgery by this doctor that seemed unimpressed by our case?  I had to continuously remind myself that I wasn’t crazy, that this was the next step, that this is what we had prepared for and was what we said we’d do the previous May when I started learning Creighton.  I knit socks to mark the journey.

Now here I am a year later.  With my Samuel in my arms and a linea negra on my stomach that for the time being overshadows the scars from last year and I am continuously reminded why I am so glad we took those steps last year, as scary as it was.  Because not knowing was scarier.  I didn’t know it would help, I didn’t know it would do anything other than put me at peace that we had “done what we could.”

I just wanted to mark this day…it was such a big deal for me last year.  This year is obviously much different, but its been a “big” day nonetheless…Samuel got his first bottle from Mike.  It was sad for me but I’m proud I didn’t cry.  It was recommended to us that if we eventually plan on giving him a bottle then its best to introduce it between 4-6 weeks, and he was 5 weeks yesterday.  He took it like a champ so well that it made me almost feel a little outdated.  But I came home and cuddled and nursed him again so he wouldn’t forget me that quickly :)

Luckily he didn’t.  And he may have given us his first smiles.  Its hard to tell since they are so fleeting but I think they are coming soon and I am so. excited.

 

**edited to add, I just looked at my blog for the first time in a while and it seems messed up to me but I’m too tired to try to fix it right now.  Is it messed up to anyone else?  Thanks!**

Slow to process and picture post

I keep starting posts and stopping them when the words don’t come out right.  There don’t seem to be the right words to be able to express what I’m feeling.  There is now this entirely separate person here and I’m responsible for their every care.

Bath time with our Blooming Bath :)

Its unbelievable and humbling.  Its more work than I ever thought I’d be able to joyfully do in a single day, compounded every day for the foreseeable future.  I’ve cried less than I thought I would and I’m amazed my postpartum hormones are so level and keeping me sane.  I never knew it was possible to not sleep more than 4 hours in a row for such an extended period of time (and I hear I’m lucky!).

“Daddy time” is his favorite part of the day

I’m amazed we were trusted with this task.  I’m amazed my body is helping to sustain this little guy.  I feel like I’ve been so slow to process this miracle, from the pregnancy to the birth to the day to day life with this little guy, and all my posts echo the same “I can’t believe this is real” feeling, but it really seems too incredible to have actually gone right for this to be our reality.

It sounds strange, but I didn’t recognize him when he came out.  This was my son?  I had dreamed about our child for so long but I had no idea who he’d be.  He was just an idea.  Except, now he’s not…he’s an actual breathing, burping, pooping, cooing, almost smiling entirely separate person that looks at me with this innocent eyes and says,

Here we go!  Our adventure is just beginning!  What will we do today?

Wow.  Just, wow!

After the birth

I realized in writing my last post that in stopping when Sam was born I left out more of the story, i.e. everything that happened after his birth!, so here’s the rest.

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I mentioned that Sam’s cord was short, so he could only be placed on my belly after the birth.  He stayed there until the cord stopped pulsing and I could deliver the placenta.  I’m not sure exactly how much time passed but I think it was somewhere around 30 minutes.  Samuel was really chill and just looked around while he was there.  He didn’t really cry that much and was very alert.

Sometime right after the birth the student midwife showed up to help with the after birth care.  I’m not sure if it was just too early for her to make it to the birth or what but I think she literally walked in when he was on my belly still.  Soon the placenta was delivered and I almost didn’t feel it it was so easy.  At that point Mike got to cut the cord after the midwives clamped it.  They began to massage my stomach a little to make sure they got all the clots and extra blood out.  It was actually pretty painful but I could look at my baby so it was a little more bearable.  It was incredible to realize that this baby had actually been inside there that whole time!

After this I tried to breastfeed before Kelly “assessed the damage.”  Breastfeeding went pretty well and he had a really strong latch with a little assistance from the beginning.  I’m really glad he knew what he was doing because I really didn’t have a clue and I really felt like an imposter trying to feed this child!  Luckily the midwives were able to direct and give me some tips, then and over the next few days/weeks.  I was also holding him close to keep him warm.  At this point my mother in law was texting and asking how much he weighed, etc. but we hadn’t done any of that yet.  That was literally the last thing they did!

So after feeding him for a bit and generally just getting to hold him closer to me in my arms, I gave him to Mike for some bonding while I was stitched up.  I’m not exactly sure what the damage was but I know it couldn’t have been that bad since the more veteran midwife who is certified to repair third degree tears was not the one stitching me up. I did have multiple tears though.  I pretty much had no desire to look either, which I admit was rare for me.  Usually I love watching the surgery channel :) They gave me a local anesthetic and my mom fed me breakfast while I watched Mike hold Sam.  This seemed to take a while but they literally did this right on my bed where I gave birth and then I was able to swing back and lay down propped up a little.

I’ll go into this more later but they also changed my sheets during this time, so everything was nice and clean.  Ok, so although they were recording all the times of the pushes and documenting the fetal heart rate during the birth process, this is finally where they weighed and measured him, which is probably what he disliked the most.  It was literally like they took him away from me and he started crying.

Weighing him like a stork

He calmed down once he found his fingers to suck on again :)

Someone also helped me to the bathroom in here.  Our bathroom is less than 7 steps away from our bedroom and I was shocked at how out of breath I was.  It was like there was a giant weight on my chest that was preventing me from standing up and breathing at the same time.  I was pretty shocked by how exhausted I was physically after all that, but that was easily the most difficult thing physically I’ve done in my life.  I had that pressure on my chest for the first 2 or 3 days after birth anytime I stood up before it started to go away, so I pretty much just stayed in my bed that whole time apart from getting up to use the rest room.

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I wish I had more eloquent words to describe how I felt and how I’m feeling now.  I do know that right after I had him I said a couple things to my husband and was definitely amazed that people have multiple children. I’m pretty sure that as a result of our sub-fertility I really spent little to no time thinking about the actual demanding part of labor because I knew “it would all be worth it”, and for that I am extremely grateful!  Great rewards demand great sacrifices and the strangest  part about it was that it really was like a roller coaster that there was no getting off, no pause button to catch your breath and get through.  As incredible as the birth process was and what a privilege it was to hold him so close to me for 9 months, it really is after the birth that’s the biggest miracle and what matters most.   THAT’S the beginning.  I’m really glad we were able to have a birth with no interventions, but I’m even more excited to get to learn and grow with this little soul.  That’s what mothering is and I’m amazed I get the chance to do it, and that this little grunty guy finally came to give me this opportunity!