First it was Advent. Then it was Christmas. And then New Year’s.
All going by without so much as a quiet (written) reflection. Sigh.
Many things seem like a blur lately and its hard to find time to pick up our house let alone do anything else. We did just get back home from a multi-stop trip visiting family across the states. I figured it was time to seize the day and make it happen because who knows when we’d be able to again. Perhaps I underestimated how tiring of a trip it would be, especially factoring in the two days of remote working due to a conveniently placed project deadline.
One thing for sure is that its become more of a reality that this baby is indeed making its way here, and sooner rather than later. That was probably the biggest realization of the new year. 2012. This is year of our baby. Wow. I can gather how it seems contrived that its taking so long for it to sink in, but with half of my time spent at work and the rest spent mostly sleeping or eating, its been hard to find time to do anything else and the shock still lingers. I guess somewhere in there though, I can see how just as its hard for someone to understand what its like to go through sub/infertility, its hard to fathom how you’ll react on the other side of it as well. I remember commenting on probably several blogs that I never understood why women who get pregnant don’t just skip off happily into the sunset. I really didn’t get it. The best way to put to my former self, is that it feels like everything is right with the world because you finally have everything you had longed for, but to still KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that its really not, that there are still people really suffering a great isolating, sorrow. And to have those people be your close friends you walked shoulder to shoulder with or didn’t even know existed, it doesn’t matter. That’s the way the world has always been, I realize, but going through the transition just takes it to a whole new level of reality on a personal level. I guess I was just naive before, or thought the world was limited to physical poverty, not the spiritual/emotional kind that exists even in the land of plenty. But even then physical poverty can be somewhat alleviated by money/time donations. What is there to do for the other sorrows? Prayer, listening ears and hearts, and more prayer.
But I won’t beat a dead horse.
I really am making efforts to make this pregnancy a reality. Well, I’ve been reading birth/parenting books since the start of the second trimester and we have even watched two birth videos already (yes WE, my husband is convinced that baby is just gonna slide right out…which makes me wonder if we’re even watching the same videos). And yes, I even made a facebook update that covertly mentioned the baby. Radical, I know. We may even register for a few big baby things now that I know a shower may be in the works in a few weeks, you know, in case any rich relatives want to come out of the woodwork and help us out.
And perhaps most relevant, I created a baby/momma progress page, accessible from over there on the sidebar. So those of you that want to, and when you want to, can see some photographic evidence of what’s growing on over here. And I can share these photos I’ve been clinging to, desperate to see some sort of proof that there is something growing and that change is evident. At this point, I think it is (that and the kicking is telling me so).
As I’ve always struggled with confidence and humility, this girl who still thinks I fooled a department into giving me a PhD, somehow tricked a company into giving me a job (they probably think that too now that they know I’m pregnant), and could probably give a very decent excuse for why anything good has ever happened to me, I know beyond any doubt that I really did nothing to deserve this pregnancy. And I will not stop saying it, because it feels good to admit complete inadequacy.
I could not have earned this if I tried. Lord, thank you for teaching me that.