My small miracle

I was walking back to my car last night after a self-induced sucker punch from Facebook and I was counting my blessings that it was dark so other people couldn’t see the tears running down my cheeks, softly but uncontrolled.  I should do more things at night, I thought, since its easier to hide my emotions. And that’s when I literally almost got hit by a car.  As in, it swerved and I had to jump out the way to avoid death.  Apparently my tears aren’t the only things invisible at night!

I felt like that was a literal reminder from God that my self-pity may very well be the death of me.

So I sucked it up and tried not to cry the rest of the way home.  It was semi-working when I decided to turn it to the Christian station to get some inspiration (my car radio has been stuck on Tejano as my only means of practicing Spanish since I got back to Texas).  That’s when this awesome song came on:

I was thinking it was a perfect song and just what I needed to hear.  And then I turned north on the final street home and I literally heard the first chorus of “Light up the sky” right as lightning lit up the sky in a thunderstorm off in the distance directly in front of me.  It was surreal.  I just sat in my car until the song finished.  And I’m taking it as my small miracle for the day.

[And yes, I realized later that maybe the DJ saw the storm and purposely played that song, but still!  Sometimes miracles are all about timing.  I’ll take what I get.]

Also, I decided to just keep my blog the way it is for now.  I will probably not discuss medical specifics of our situation due to my lack of anonymity (at least at this point), but I will still discuss these matters of my heart and soul, because to be honest I feel like that’s what is more “at risk” at this point.  Thanks for listening.  You don’t know how much your comments mean to me.

And today is Dia de los Muertos!  Oh how I wish I was in Mexico with my husband today.  Praying for the souls that have gone before us.

Controlling your happiness

I’m sure most of you have seen these studies that reveal that parents report lower levels of happiness than their childless counterparts.  If you are anything like me, the fact that these two articles exist drives you a little crazy for two main reasons:

1)     There parents go again, completely taking for granted what others long to have so much.  How do they not recognize what gifts they have been given?!

And the second, perhaps more upsetting reason:

2)     If there is truth to these findings, does that mean that things won’t get better if/when I ever have children?  Is it actually possible to feel worse than I do right now?

These recent postings by Rae on the philosophical problem of happiness have also had me thinking about this whole conundrum of “happiness”.  It seems that a person’s experience and perceptions of happiness can only be influenced by internal and/or personal experiences, so happiness is inherently a “selfish” or “self-oriented” experience and cannot be based on some cosmic balance of right and wrong.  So, maybe happiness is influenced by some mix of hormones, habits, and personal situation.  But I think I can get more specific on the “personal situation” front.

The results of the articles above as well as the personal experiences I have had regarding the “desire-but-delayed-if-not-denied” fulfillment of being a mother in myself and in others, have led me to conclude that happiness is directly related to the control we have in our lives.

So I guess in order to understand where I’m going here, first we have to consider compared to who are parents unhappier? Compared to those who have chosen to intentionally not have children?  Or compared to those who cannot have children for reasons beyond their control?  I highly doubt that the control group was of the latter category.  I do not doubt that new parenthood has its fair share of challenges.  Being parents involves being completely selfless and putting the desires of someone else entirely ahead of your own, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of your life.  I believe a large part of the “unhappy” lies in completely being out of control of what that little person does, eats, sleeps, etc.  A major event has literally made you realize that you are not in control of your own life anymore.

Similarly, those of us that are waiting to become mothers and fathers have also had this profound realization, albeit from a different angle.  I do believe that this is one of the major reasons of the psychological stress that women facing infertility: a loss of control of one of the most supposed basic actions of humanity, procreating.   In fact, the only ones that are under this delusion are the ones that are delaying children by choice, aka, the happy ones.  Of course the big myth is that we were ever in control, but I guess what matters to our happiness is our perceived control.  I believe when people finally get pregnant and/or adopt after trying to grow their family, one of the first lines out is “It was all worth it”, meaning “although that time of being out of control and lost was really awful, eventually I regained some control and got what I so desired.”  It makes sense.

It seems that no matter our lot in life, there’s no easy way out.  At some point, you must come to the realization and actualization (because thinking about and living it are two different things) that you are not in control.  And yes, that will rock your world and affect your happiness.  For those of us with the desire imprinted in our hearts to be a spouse or a parent, its the acceptance that you have no control over making your dreams of a family come true.  For already parents, while the feeling of being out of control might not come with the first, maybe it will come with the second or third child.  I think its possible to try to surmount the chaos and feign control with different parenting strategies, just as it is possible to try different fertility treatments to “master” the art of having children, but the truth is still there.

It seems that the most genuinely happy people I know are the ones who are best able to roll with the punches and see the meaning of the bigger picture because on the surface, we can’t control much of what happens.  My dad’s favorite quote is “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.”  This is where faith and reliance on God become critical to having an inner peace (which may closely resemble surrendering to God’s will) which may not be the same as that “naïve happiness” that you once had, but it will be deeper and longer lasting.

Anyway, these thoughts give me comfort when I think about if and when we’re parents, will we really be better parents having gone through this time?  I think we will be, if not because we’ve already embraced the fact that we are not in control.  Or at least we’re trying to.

I know its a constant battle, but I am curious if there’s anyone out there that’s really been able to do that permanently.  I guess that’s the fun of being human :)

Making our move

I’m coming up here on 6 months of Creighton charting and I just received my Hilger’s referral in the mail.  It told me pretty much exactly what I thought it would, that my cycles are “functionally abnormal.”  There is a list of tests to continue with, some of which we’ve already done.  In all I’m just feeling very, blah regarding continuing treatment at this moment.

Its no surprise I don’t want this.  Who would want fertility issues, let alone the decisions that come with them?  Nothing is as easy as just deciding that this month we’ll “not abstain” and see what happens.  Although I pray for a different result each time, I guess that’s where we keep finding ourselves, just seeing what happens.  And until we discern that we are really called to do something different, that’s where we’ll remain.  With how strange starting treatment all feels in general I don’t know what it will take me to get the treatment train going (and makes the intentional decision that this month I will do IVF and have my baby this month seem that much more foreign).  Lightening bolts from Heaven?  In the least, definitely more prayer.  I thought I would feel invigorated when I received my referral, which is written by Hilger’s himself after looking at my medical history and charts, and have a new found energy about where to go from here.  Instead, I’m getting an unanticipated feeling:

“Just stay still already.”

I don’t really like it.  I’m an impatient person.  And its slowly being forced out of me.  I want to move forward or at least feel like I’m moving forward, but something beyond me is urging me to just accept it already, right now.  Even with knowledge of what the next steps would be and what specific tests we need to do.  And even while being forced to spend time away from my husband back here in Texas, months which could very well be used to complete the necessary blood tests.  Over these past few weeks I’ve been finally able to see what the reality and pain of this past year have clouded:  mainly, that I have never been able to visualize my family or my future (which is maybe something that God has given me to prepare me for the “unusual path” which may not even involve a family) and that I’ve always felt a draw towards adoption – which I could not acknowledge/talk about last year – even when prodded – but I’m finally realizing that it is true and not a bad thing or just a weird quirk of mine (but in fact is a very, very good blessing as not everyone has this).

Acknowledging these realities has made those recent desperate moments of “I’ll never have kids” seem not quite as bad, although I will always mourn the loss of kids I never had.  Before, when this thought would enter my head I’d feel nothing but despair, as if my life would end if I couldn’t have kids or that it would be pointless.  Lately I’ve been able to reason myself out of that despair by acknowledging that these other options are good options, and not only that, but that they might really be part of my plan.  Leading me to be able to both feel and rationalize that God has not forgotten me but is just working at His own pace.  This. is. huge.

There’s something about sub/infertility that strips away rationality and leaves just a desperate feeling remaining, like you’re lost in the woods and have no idea where to go and you’re out of food.  But now I feel as if I’m lost in the woods with a slight inkling that if I keep walking in this direction I’ll eventually get somewhere, probably not anytime soon, but eventually.  And that’s waaaaay more comforting, although I am not foolish enough to think that I’ll never doubt myself again.

But it is odd that in order to “walk in this direction” right now, I have to stand still.  My own analogies are starting to confuse me!

Anyway, I’m also having issues on how to continue this blog.  I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable knowing that there are people I know in real life who read this blog who never comment, as if this blog is a one-way window into my life which isn’t reciprocated.  For this reason I’ve had issues with sharing more of the personal details of our journey thus far.  I don’t know if I’ll stop this blog or make a new one or what.  I didn’t anticipate such a personal subject to start to affect my thoughts so intensely and the idea that its replacing real relationships I have is troubling me.  I guess I’ll work through that and decide what to do soon enough.

So, that’s where I am.  And why I’ve been so quiet lately.

My first pilgrimage

This past Sunday we decided to attend Mass at the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  I’d been wanting to go since we arrived and took this opportunity to go for the day.  It was a first for both of us to make a trip like this. When we got off the metro there was all sorts of stalls selling any type of religious icon you can imagine and when we turned the corner onto the street we saw this in the distance:

We passed people, whole families, walking on their knees. Up the whole street.  Even little kids.

When we finally made it up to the square, we could see the original Basilica (built in 1709), canted from sinking, and the new Basilica, (built in the 70’s).

The Church was huge.  Before we left we wanted to make sure they had Mass around the time we arrived and boy were we shocked to find out that they have Mass EVERY hour until 7 or 8 at night.  So once we got there we walked around a little and tried to sit as close to the front as possible, which was difficult because it was packed.

We ended up pretty close.  Can you see the image?  Its in the lower right corner of the picture, underneath the giant cross in the goldish-frame.  The Mass was surprisingly personal for being in such a huge location.  And guess what?  I understood the homily :)  I didn’t catch which readings it was and there were wayyy too many people for missals (at least that I saw) but it was clear to me that that the homily was about faith (and checking the readings later confirmed that!).  The priest said if you want to be truly happy, you must have faith and you must be holy.  The problem is how to increase your faith, but that’s best done by prayer.  At the end we all prayer together for more faith and to help make us holy.  The homily was also about abortion and how its easy to loose faith in crisis situations.  I’m not sure if the priest said this but if its any wonder why Christians are against abortion (despite the obvious reasons) consider that if abortion had been legal during Christ’s time, we might not have a Savior.  Its the startling truth.

After Mass we were able to get a closer view of the image of the Virgin by going underneath the altar.  We got confused at first and ended up in the crypts underneath the altar at first (surprise!) but eventually got straightened out by following the masses of people to the Virgin.  Here she is, nearly 500 years later…

I do love the giant Mexican flag (although all the flags of the nations are presented to the side of the altar as well).  For those of you that don’t know the story, Mary appeared to a a young Indian guy, Juan Diego, several times near this exact location.  No one believed him when he told them that Mary told him to build a church.

“Know and understand well, you the most humble of my son, that I am the ever virgin Holy Mary, Mother of the True God for whom we live, of the Creator of all things, Lord of heaven and the earth. I wish that a temple be erected here quickly, so I may therein exhibit and give all my love, compassion, help, and protection, because I am your merciful mother, to you, and to all the inhabitants on this land and all the rest who love me, invoke and confide in me; listen there to their lamentations, and remedy all their miseries, afflictions and sorrows. And to accomplish what my clemency pretends, go to the palace of the bishop of Mexico, and you will say to him that I manifest my great desire, that here on this plain a temple be built to me; you will accurately relate all you have seen and admired, and what you have heard. Be assured that I will be most grateful and will reward you, because I will make you happy and worthy of recompense for the effort and fatigue in what you will obtain of what I have entrusted. Behold, you have heard my mandate, my humble son; go and put forth all your effort.”

After several times, he eventually returns to the Bishop having collected many beautiful flowers from a hill in the dead of winter as proof of seeing her, and when he hands out the flowers that were wrapped in his cloak, the image of the Virgin was imprinted on his cloak.  This is same cloak that is displayed in the Basilica today.

This story is extremely important to Mexicans because the mother appeared to them, the native Mexicans, during a turbulent time in history.  For this reason Mexican’s have a great devotion to Mary.  Even during the independence and revolution many years later, Fr. Hidalgo and others used this image to gather support.  To say that its a symbol of national pride would be an understatement.

Anyway, I have many thoughts about Mexico and its Catholicism and what happens with separation of church/state that hopefully I’ll find time to write about later.

I have to say that this past week was one of my favorite psalms, its too bad I didn’t recognize it!  The Timothy books are one of my favorite books as well.

Reading 1 Hab 1:2-3; 2:2-4

Responsorial Psalm Ps 95:1-2, 6-7, 8-9
Reading 2  2 Tm 1:6-8, 13-14
Gospel  Lk 17:5-10

Victim souls?

I know some of you have sought spiritual direction (at least from what I’ve read on your blogs) for dealing with the cross of sub/infertility.  I’ve enjoyed reading what you’ve written and gleaning insight into my own life.  I also appreciate your answers to what has helped you “get over yourself” – like serving others and dancing! ha!   My husband sent me this video today unrelated to fertility, about the cross of being homosexual and Catholic.   I really do feel like anyone who’s not Catholic should watch this to better understand exactly how Catholic’s view this issue.  While I was watching it, I couldn’t help but realize how beautiful our faith is and how this idea of “victim souls” is a tiny comfort during the journey with a heavy cross.

Now, I don’t want to compare the cross of homosexuality to infertility (because I think it must be a much, much heavier cross to be homosexual – especially in our society today) but I did find it interesting look at the comparison of sub/infertiles being victim souls to a certain extent.

Yes, all people endure suffering and every person handles suffering differently based on our uniqueness as human beings,  so its impossible to compare and no one can have a monopoly on suffering.  One positive is that all suffering, so matter how small, has the potential to bring souls to Christ (such as the pregnant women out there offering the pains of their labor up for the infertile).  However, I do believe there is something unique in the suffering that is not common and goes against societal norms. Homosexuality and infertility are two examples of those crosses that go against what is accepted in our society these days (the recent eruption of comments on Sew’s post about abortion and IVF is proof that those of us not “OK” with IVF and sub/infertile suffer separately, some might say “needlessly”).  Of course its not an exact parallel, because fertility is over the whole life so there’s always some hope there of being “cured” so maybe we won’t know if we’re victim souls or not until the end of our life, but I feel like embracing the idea of being a victim soul and suffering for Christ is pretty helpful in “getting over myself”, at least a little bit.

Anyway, I do encourage you to watch this video! Let me know what you think!

Stuck in a moment

Does anyone remember this song?  Not the biggest U2 fan, but this song has always struck a chord with me.  I know I’m feeling particularly down when I seek out songs to help me express myself so I apologize for the cheesiness :)

I’ve literally been feeling stuck, like I’m in molasses or something, and am totally unable to just lift myself up and out and on.  In theory it should be easy since nothing is physically holding me back, right?

I try to stay away from the blog when I’m in these moods but I felt like this song accurately describes a lot of the feelings the sub-fertile goes through on the regular (which most other people also experience as well).

And while I’m not proud to admit I have many mixed feelings while reading the blogs of those who are now joyfully pregnant/adopting after struggling to conceive, the best feeling is concretely seeing examples of this moment passing.  Relief will come.

It’s just a moment
This time will pass.

Sunday Reflections – 8/8/10

With our move to Mexico coming up in about two weeks, I’ve realized that listening to Mass in Spanish each week may not allow me to get all that I can out of it.  I’ve written before how Spanish Mass was actually integral in my conversion, as it gave me a lot of time to reflect on the true presence and what partaking in communion means.  Who knows, maybe I’m wrong and it will be like it was before Vatican II and everything was in Latin, but I do like to understand the readings and reflect on them with the help of the homily.  But being in a Spanish speaking country, I realize that I’m going to have to put in a lot of extra time to do this on my own.  So I’m planning getting a Missal (spelling?) in both Spanish and English, reading it on my own in English as well as going to Spanish Mass, and then writing a little reflection on here to make sure I’m “actively participating”

We’re not in Mexico yet, but I thought I’d start this week, since I thought of the idea.

Reading 1: Wis 18:6-9

Responsorial Psalm: Ps 33:1, 12, 18-19, 20-22

Reading 2: Heb 11:1-2, 8-19

Gospel: Lk 12:32-48

These readings really focused on faith, which was very timely.  These readings screamed “Hey you people desiring children, have faith and it will be done!” but that’s surprisingly not what stood out to me the most.  It seemed too obvious.  I’m realizing that our God sometimes works in the less obvious ways.  These words from the second reading stood out to me:

All these died in faith.
They did not receive what had been promised
but saw it and greeted it from afar
and acknowledged themselves to be strangers and aliens on earth,
for those who speak thus show that they are seeking a homeland.
If they had been thinking of the land from which they had come,
they would have had opportunity to return.
But now they desire a better homeland, a heavenly one.
Therefore, God is not ashamed to be called their God,
for he has prepared a city for them.

So, wait, they didn’t get what was promised?  This made me think about all the people that were ever a part of large change in history that never got to see the realization of what they were working for.  Whether it was the Egyptians that died wandering in the desert, refugees that didn’t make it out of an occupied land, or immigrants coming to America that died along the journey.  While individual people may not have actually seen the final goal realized here on Earth, the whole group eventually did get where they were going and history reflects that.  It makes me think of the big picture, and how the role we play won’t always (or ever) a leader role, a person enjoying the glory here on Earth. But I know that as the mystical body of Christ we’ll all eventually see the glory in Heaven and that’s ultimately what matters.

Anyway, nothing too Earth shattering.  Just a nice reminder.

*I’m not a Biblical scholar, so these little writings will just be what my thoughts are in response to the readings.  Not trying to claim to know more than I do! Only to know how these are speaking to me at the moment.

In our hands?

A while back I updated how I’m now learning the Creighton method of NFP.  It seems to be the sub-fertile thing to do, so I hopped on, thinking I could get some good information about my cycles and talk to doctors that would understand and respect my stance on ART.

I think its finally hitting me what this all means.

I have two months of charts now.  Two months of charts that will be sent off to Dr. Hilgers for his assessment of the situation (which according to my practitioner, he’s very likely to suggest that I have endometriosis based on lack of any other reason and recommend surgery).

And then the treatment can start.

Because all of this up til now, this was nothing.

I cried in the car right after we had our last session.  I almost started crying during the session, but I managed to hold off.  Just something about having to go through all of these steps to have a baby creates anxiety.  Steps that so many other people don’t have to go through at all, that you shouldn’t have to go through.  Its not the way God designed our bodies.

And this was all after my relaxing birthday weekend of beach time, spa treatments and massages, so I really was at my absolute ‘chillest’.

As much success as I’ve had charting with the Creighton method (and my charts look the same, by the way, just now with colored stickers!) I have to say, this idea of control is what is freaking me out more than anything.  I’m weary of this promise and hope that Creighton and Naprotechnology is providing.  I believe in the method working, I just fear that putting my faith in these doctors will consume me and our pursuit of family.  We also fear blindly following our desire for biological children.  Its really easy to keep going on as we are, but it will take a concerted effort to up the treatment.  I’m an extremely indecisive person anyway (seriously, I can’t figure out what to order at restaurants most of the time!) and I’ve realized I don’t like to be in control but find pleasure in going with the flow and adapting.  I also know that I have a fear of wanting something only to not get it (I actually dread birthdays because of that – all the hype!).  I can’t imagine going through the initial 2-week treatment required in Omaha without stressing out. And that’s just the beginning!  It just all sounds so intense, which is the opposite name of the game I’ve been playing with myself these days.

I know we need to up our prayer life a lot to discern what’s right for us as this progresses and while we know that its not right for us to start anything now (see this), it has hit me how much harder this is going to get.  And that statistically, waiting around much longer doesn’t have the best odds.

I have a renewed sense of respect for all the women going through treatment now.  So my question is, how did you do it?  How did you and your husband decide when to start your treatment?  Was there a distinct moment, or was it gradual?  Also, did you and your husband agree on when to start?  We’ve only done diagnostics at this point and they’ve all come back a-okay.

I’d love to hear from those of you that have gone through this.

Not cursed!

Just in case you were wondering, I came across a nice little verse in the Bible the other day that helped confirm what I was wondering the other week, that no, us subfertile/infertile women are not cursed.  I know I’m not a Biblical scholar, but this verse was enough for me.  It was from the final reading in a two week-plan on healing.

John 9: 1-4

As he walked along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, ‘Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘Neither this man nor his parents sinned; he was born blind so that God’s works might be revealed in him.

Jesus might as well have said “Nothing made him that way, its just the way is.”  I thought it random that I even chose the two-week plan on healing, but this verse gave me such hope.  I struggle with seeing my fertility issues as something that needs to be “healed” in the medical sense because that seems that takes God out of it all.  I don’t think it helps that all the testing we’ve done so far indicates mostly normal fertility.  Ultimately I started reading the plan because many other aspects of my life need healing, including my attitude, my heart, my patience, gossiping, etc.

I remember right after we got married my husband and I did a “busy person’s retreat”, which included meeting with a religious every day for one hour for a week.  I was really sick during that time (yay food poisoning on the honeymoon!) and the Sister asked me if I had prayed for healing.  Well, no.  Why do I need to be healed?  I just need to get over this virus caused by uncooked chicken from a certain street restaurant with no other people at that my husband really wanted to eat at (ahem)!  Regardless, I did pray for my health to return.  And eventually it did.  But was it because of my prayer necessarily?

Getting pregnant is different.  No science can explain infusing a soul and a life into my womb, that could only be the result of God’s work.  Science can explain viruses, yet miracle cures still happen. Whether we want it or not.

I don’t know what that has to do with anything, and this post wasn’t supposed to be about prayer but opportunity.  The opportunity to turn a seemingly bad situation into a good one.  To claim that us not having a child is an accident or that I or anyone else with fertility issues  earned this somehow is to deny the power and goodness of God.  He is all powerful and yet nothing is too small for Him.  I really wish that the above verse just ended after “so that God’s work might be revealed in Him” because the rest of it makes it sound like there is always a happy ending with the obvious choice (didn’t post it, you can look it up at home).  Blind man can see, so then….barren woman should have baby right?

But what if that’s not the ending?  Didn’t we still have a unideal situation with room for God’s work to be revealed?  What if God’s work is for her to find a cure for cancer?  Promote NFP?  Become a mentor to those in need?  Just get through the day with her marriage intact?  Those are great things too.

Anyway, sorry if that didn’t make sense.  Feeling a little under the weather here.

Maybe I’ll go pray for healing…

*Just a little note to clarify…I do pray for a baby if that’s God’s will and I pray to find God’s plan in my life. This post was more in reference to praying for healing my body so that I may have a baby.  I understand that most women with sub/infertility have medical issues to why they don’t have children and maybe we do too (that I don’t know about yet, which is why we’re doing Creighton), but I haven’t felt like our case is pure a medical issue, especially since having a baby involves a soul and everything.  I understand that I may feel like this because of a lack of anywhere to place blame right now, but its where I’m at.

Just relax

This is undoubtedly the most frequent advice I receive from anyone when I let them in on the personal issue that has been most troubling to our marriage thus far:  our desire for children and our inability to have them so far.

If you’re in this same place then you know, this is probably the hardest advice to swallow, mostly because the “just relax” mantra is often quoted as a way to get pregnant. I believe what hurts the most about this advice is the underlying implication that you are doing something to sabotage the birth of your own children.  And my prideful self is hurt by that.  This type of advice for conceiving also seems to minimize the natural emotional response to not conceiving, as in, its really, really hard to do the same thing every month and have the same result.  It is difficult to determine which came first, not conceiving or worrying about not conceiving?  Its like the chicken or the egg.

I’m also not really sure on the scientific research behind that advice, but I doubt there are any studies out there that can directly correlate amount of relaxation to conception.  Otherwise it would seem that every teenager who was ever terrified that they were pregnant would not have conceived!

But this past weekend, after hearing this advice for the upteenth time, this time from someone who has gone through sub-fertility as well (and not out yet), I finally heard it with new ears.  (Well, to be honest, not right then, but on the way home.)

“Just relax” finally struck me as really, the only worthwhile advice out there. Not to achieve pregnancy, but in general.  Because really, what else is there to do? I’m on this path whether I like it or not.  Yes, I can pursue treatments to help my health and yes, I can pray, but worrying will not get me anywhere.  In anything, certainly, but especially in growing our family.

Before I started RCIA, I started reading the bible and this is the first verse I ever highlighted, Matthew 6: 25 – 34.

25For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

26Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

27“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

28“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

30“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

31“Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’

32“For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

33“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It felt like pure gold in my heart as I knew I had some crazy life changes coming up that I was already stressing about.

I’ve realized what the hardest part of this for me right now is trying to figure out how I specifically will seek His kingdom.   I thought it would be through motherhood.  Apparently for the time being, I was mistaken.  So what will I do, specifically, now?  I want to know all the answers now! Like a little kid throwing a tantrum.  I know I need to find a path that suits me, that uses my gifts and serves others.  It’s a lot easier said that done, but I’m trying to do this without worry, without fear.  We have no reason to worry.  It is already decided.