He is exactly the same.

Everything is exactly the same as it was yesterday. Nothing has changed.

Except everything.

Yesterday there was incredible hope. I was blessed beyond measure. Except, it turned out I wasn’t. Not in that way, at least, the way I was dreaming about.

Today things are exactly the same. And I am blessed beyond measure. God is exactly who He was yesterday. He loves me beyond measure. Still. He never stopped.

************************************************************************************************************

It is strange, to walk back on this path again, where people don’t get pregnant. Its easy to fall back into this belief that it just doesn’t happen to people like us. Because the months go by, and probabilities seem nothing but impossible.

But I have lived it before. I had magical moment, a hinge in my life where my whole world changed. Things that had been impossible, well, one day, they happened! God was the same before, after, and all the while. I had faith before, but I also have experience now. I remember what it was like to long for something and then suddenly have your wildest dreams come true on a Sunday afternoon.

It does happen to people like us.

I don’t just believe it, or hear it from someone’s friend who it happened to, but I know to be true because I lived it.

In spite of days like today.

*****************************************************************************************************************

It the sweetest dream, isn’t it? To not be broken? To make love with your husband and, things just…work? God be present and nine months later, meet the beloved fruit of your love? Its the sweetest dream, the most amazing fairy tale.

What a love story.

And He can do these things! Just not this time.

And I know that just as easily as it could have happened this month, just as easily as it can happen next month. Despite not wanting to get sucked in or “think about it”. There are those two days of the month (if you’re lucky) where you can peak over the fence and allow yourself to dream for minute. I haven’t thought about it in months, but of course, God, it would be this month. I had all the faulty logic to deduce why pregnancy would happen this time as opposed to all the others. My breasts were sore all month and I had a dream on p+13 that God told me I was with child! I don’t dream dreams like that. My sub-fertile friend who gave birth to her first right as I found out I was pregnant with my first, was now giving birth to her second. Surely that meant something, our stories were connected, right? And I did just finish the 56 day novena last month. Of course God heard those prayers and of course, he would answer them!

Of course God heard those prayers. And of course He will answer them. He is the same as he was yesterday. Forever and ever.

So I know how quickly things can change. So suddenly it can happen, it does happen. It did happen. Probabilities fly out the window when you’re staring at a positive pregnancy test, evidence of your child.

The sweetest dream.

But being back here, I know simultaneously how unworthy I am of such a dream. There is nothing I could ever do to deserve such a gift. Again, let alone the first time.

The gift of a child to be responsible for. It feels selfish to even pray for it. I know this to be true.

My daily experience has shown me how humbling, how undeserving, and how much I rely on God everyday to make me into just an acceptable mother. How dare I pray for more?

But God is the same as he was yesterday. And he can do miracles. He did it before. He calls us in spite of our faults, so why not me?

Everything can change in an instant.

And yet, He will be exactly the same. He is our constant.

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4 thoughts on “He is exactly the same.

  1. You are wise. If I could name just one tragedy of the IF journey, it would be that it made my world so very small – too small to fit God, except in the narrowest way. Apparently there is healing for that, too.

  2. I’m so sorry for your disappointment. I wish our bodies worked right too. It is so amazing how much has to work right to conceive a child.
    I hate when dreams about being pregnant don’t come true. It is so cruel when hope is crushed.

  3. I just want to thank you for your constant inspiration and being a beautiful example of hope, humility, and perseverance. I just recently stumbled upon your blog, when I was searching for Catholic Infertility Support Groups, and I know this stumbling was providential. My husband and I have been trying to conceive our first child for a little over a year now using the Creighton Model and I’ve just been put on progesterone to help my fertility. Although it isn’t as long as some others have been trying, I am so emotionally and physically drained. Your words have given me much hope in times of darkness and doubt, I’m sure you’ve helped countless women struggling in this journey! You’ve made me cry, laugh, and sigh with relief at all the same time because of your sharings. I’ve read mostly from your archives so far, and I praise God that He’s blessed you with the most precious gift of life! With a soul as beautiful as yours, He definitely has a perfect plan for you and your family!) Please keep us in your prayers, as I will do for you and your intentions. Enjoy your Mother’s Day Week!

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