It has been a rough start to the year already, which is ironic since in lieu of a resolution (not like I’m the greatest at making those) the little theme I decided to go with this year was: Finding and expressing Joy. So simple. It can just be so hard for me.
On New Years Eve, when I came up with this theme, I was just generally feeling blah. We’d just arrived home after a full day of travel with a busy toddler after an exhausting trip home (fun, but exhausting when we all get sick) but really, nothing was wrong. We’d had a great trip and made it home on time and were in our warm little house while our baby slept and we had extra packages delivered so it was almost like a SECOND christmas and and AND! So many things that concretely make it a great day, but I just still couldn’t get it together. So I forced myself to. Like I’ve wanted to every other time I’m in a funk but I just can’t always seem to make it happen. I danced like a weirdo in our living room to the old school hits that were playing on the New Year’s countdown. And a funny thing happened. It worked.
I became happier.
More joyful. Almost just by willing it!
We had a hilarious evening and I was able to turn around what I was quickly making a frustrating evening just by shaking it off and making light of the situation.
It was just so simple. That time.
As much as I’ve wanted to do that before, I’ve never been quite so successful at it. And I probably haven’t been as successful since then, but it was a nice way to start off the year.
And its pretty fortuitous my goal for the year is joy, because, without sounding like a total depresso, its been a hard climb to attain it since then. I’ve been failing pretty miserably since then because the predominate emotion I’ve felt lately has been anger. And frustration. I know. Who just feels angry all the time? Me, a few weeks ago, apparently.
Just as a side-note to factor something else in, I gave up coffee at the start of the year. Those first two weeks were brutal!
Anyways, I want to focus on joy because I felt like for so long I focused on what I didn’t have. And that is fine, that is where I was at, and I needed to process all of it. But, I’m not there anymore. My situation has changed and I don’t want to just fall back into this idea of thinking that “if only I had this” then things would be different. I want to go out and do things and be genuinely happy and joyful that I can do these things, not just be thinking the whole time in the background, “This is fun and all, but I would give it all up for X.” I want to fully find joy in the life God has given me.
I also want to control what I can control and focus on what I can act on rather than being afraid of what I can’t predict. I’ve needed to take a step back from the internet and focus more on prayer life to really figure out what I’m supposed to be doing now. Its hard to be sure of the direction to take when the whole world is buzzing nonsense around you and everyone else is trying to share their dream, their path as the way to go.
I have way more thoughts on that, as well as some pretty concrete things I’ve narrowed down that were contributing to the feeling of anger. I will hopefully write more about those shortly.