I’ve heard it said that blogging is just navel gazing. So then, that must make blogging about blogging must be the epitome of navel gazing, huh? Well then this here is some serious navel lint licking, since this goes way beyond gazing.
Its no surprise I’ve had issues trying to figure out how to do this whole blogging thing after having a baby. Its not surprising, because, well, a lot of other people have faced the same questions. I hope its obvious why. At least for me, I’ve had an intense fear of being That Pregnant Lady at Subway.
Don’t you know her?
I remember her vividly. It was around the start of our “trying” and we were on a vacation. Another conference-turned-vacation, but still. Trying to rent our car and just enjoy ourselves, relax, and not think about “trying” because that’s how it would work, right? (Short answer, no). We got our car from the rental location and just decided to eat at Subway since it was close, easy, and we were both starving. And that’s when I saw her, That Pregnant Lady at Subway. Just standing there. Ordering her sandwich. Being pregnant and all. Completely innocent.
But not to me.
And at that moment, I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know her, her story, or anything about how quickly or slowly that baby got in there. But there it was. Her belly. She was pregnant. I was not. I did not need to know anything else to have the reminder of our struggle.
So I didn’t burst into tears or claw or attack her or anything (just didn’t know where you were going with it…) but the reminder started the thoughts which brought up That Discussion That My Husband and I Always Had About Infertility once we got into the car. And it brought back all the emotions regarding infertility that I was just trying to ignore for just a little bit, you know? Have a nice moment with my husband? Not think about it all?
And as much as we can say “Oh its not that pregnant woman, its infertility” (because it is), That Pregnant Woman at Subway just was a big giant reminder. And it was looking at her that made my eyes tear up. And it was her I couldn’t make eye contact with.
Yes, there are triggers everywhere and we can’t control those…I think that’s part of the “cross” part of infertility…but, I think the fact that they are everywhere has literally made me not want to be one on this blog. I just, don’t want to be That Pregnant Woman at Subway for others, at least on the internet. (Figuratively, at least at this point – I guess I could have literally been last year. This is not a pregnancy announcement)
I can’t help that I am for other people in real life, which I’m sure I have been. Its just frustrating and humbling, and of course something that I can only get on “this side” as I have the hindsight to look back at myself and how I dealt with infertility.
Its been very difficult for me to accept what I can and cannot do in terms of helping other deal with the cross of infertility. The thing that makes being That Pregnant Woman at Subway more difficult on this blog is the relationships that have formed from it and the transition that occurs as a result.
I’m going to explore that in my next post so this doesn’t get too crazy long.
I have about 17 more parts to this “series”, if we’re going to call it that. Please bear with me as I’m trying to be genuine to myself and the fact is, I haven’t been able to be because I haven’t been able to give these thoughts feet to go somewhere. So here I go exploring it, in bite sized chunks, with the help of some friends.