That middle ground

There’s a balance between taking something for granted and worrying about it that is hard to strike, particularly as it relates to fertility.

Taking for granted our fertility and our childbearing years

vs.

worrying continuously about when/how/if we will be able to conceive.

Two sides to the same coin.

Living in that middle ground, at peace with whatever outcome, is oh-so-elusive, isn’t it?  Just when you think you’ve got it, there seems to be a giant shake up that messes everything up. 

I had a dear friend find herself pregnant without that being the intention, come to lovingly accept the pregnancy, only to find out the baby passed away right after her first ultrasound.  Another friend worried that she would be unable to get pregnant, had difficulty for 4 years, and now finds herself on her third closely spaced pregnancy.  Yet another friend tried to avoid pregnancy for years, her husband even unsure that he wanted children, only to find themselves on the heartbreaking journey of infertility. 

It seems like that middle ground between taking something for granted and worrying that something will never happen is so difficult precisely because we can’t see past this exact moment we’re stuck in right now.

Managing expectations has the potential to help.  Educating oneself about the reality for how long it takes to get pregnant or the reality that fertility doesn’t last forever would help temper arriving at undesired results, but as is the case for most pieces of advice, this usually only works well for other people in different situations.  And then there is the problem of what happens when you ‘educate’ yourself and you’re still outside the standard bounds.

This post isn’t about me, but about something not about me which is not my news to share.  But since I’m writing, we find ourselves sharing that we have “no plan” going forward.  Our attempt at the middle ground as the affirmations that we’ve “finally figured out how it works now!” are received only with forced, tight lipped smiles and yet the worry for the future could needlessly consume our days.  Both places I’d rather not spend my time. 

I’m convinced that middle ground is elusive and fleeting, but its such an important place to continuously try to seek out.  That and that ultimately our hope has to rest in the Lord.  Everything else is just shifting around.  Yes, even these good intentions we have. 

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4 thoughts on “That middle ground

  1. Yes. Yes it is hard to find to find that middle ground.

    It’s also making me think of the middle ground between “trying” and “preventing” (because really, how much control do we have?). People keep asking me if we’re “trying” to get pregnant again. I have a hard time knowing how to answer that, because we’d be overjoyed with a second pregnancy, but I can’t exactly call it “trying” when I already know, each month, that something’s not right and it’s not going to happen. I can’t exactly “try harder.” That only results in anxiety. I can wait and hope and pray and be grateful for what we have. I can keep learning, try a few different things, see a specialist, etc; but ultimately, I need to rest in the truth that God will redeem all things, no matter what happens.

  2. So true. We’re in a weird place now regarding this too. The best I can do is take it week by week, even day by day. I feel like marriage prep doesn’t really delve into what *really* goes into “planning” a family. We get the spiel on NFP but… yeah. I have found this aspect of marriage to require a certain depth of faith and discernment skills that most of the rest of life may not quite demand. It’s a realm where we’re invited to participate with our free will and yet nothing is fully ours to control. You go from pondering the depths of being a “co-creator” with God and the profound responsibility of this to feeling like you’re just along for some crazy ride you didn’t sign up for. Sometimes all in the same day.

  3. I find this an interesting read as I am wading in the depths of uncertainty about where we should be on a decision to embrace our fertility with openness to another baby as I enter my 40s this year. And still…I’ve been in this place before but with different circumstances. I’ve never had to try and figure this out while also dealing with the fear that I could lose another baby before I get to hold him in my arms.

    You’re so right…it’s hard to see past this moment right now.

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