So, in order to tell this story, I must admit that I was watching a talk show. Yeah, I know. Let’s say it was the uber nap (after mommy and me class this morning) and I cleaned all day yesterday so I just wanted to knit a little with some coffee after lunch. Clearly the shame in setting the background for this story is enough :) But I have to because the hypocrisy is eating me up and I have to tell someone! (Not the hypocrisy of admitting watching talk shows while simultaneously bashing them…the hypocrisy of the story I’m about to tell you…;) )
Ok! So it was a new show…the Jeff Probst show, you know the guy from survivor. I didn’t see the whole show, but enough to get that the theme for the show was “talking about things that you can’t say out loud” or something like that. I guess they had a white guy asking African American guys questions about being black, a lesbian country singer showing that you can still be patriotic, a country singer, and a lesbian, and then they took some questions from the audience. The first question was something like “Hey, how do I tell my boyfriend of 8 months that when he moves in 3 months, I’d be down to move with him because I think this is going somewhere?” Fine, no problem, some guys worked her through that one. Apparently it can be hard to tell a guy you’ve been seeing elusively for 8 months that you’re really into him and serious but if you’re delicate enough and not too pushy, you may be able to not push him away…
Moving on to what really bugged me, was the next audience question. The girl asks “I’m not a virgin, but I’ve recommitted to not having sex before I’m married. How do I not scare guys away?” This was met with lots of hemming and hawing from the panel and Jeff himself. They actually had to have her clarify the question because they were so confused. She mentioned something about listening to her mother/grandmother and deciding to go with the values that she was raised with. I can’t recount exactly what was said in response, but it was something along the lines of, “If you’re doing this because that’s what your moral compass and integrity says is right, that’s one thing, but if you’re doing this to play games and try to trick a guy, that’s wrong.” And seriously every person on there (including the country singer interviewed earlier) all agreed that sexual chemistry is really important in a relationship and while they respected her right to make that choice, that can make or break a relationship so she should be careful.
Man, I think my mouth was hanging open.
Obviously I took those words a little personal considering my history and how I literally came to the same conclusion going through a string of “serious” boyfriends and realizing that hmm, maybe my inability to walk away from situations I knew weren’t going anywhere was linked to the fact that I was romantically involved too early on in an uncommitted relationship. I was completely non-religious and came to this conclusion based on how I could tell I was too emotionally attached. Thankfully, I was able to meet someone who not only respected my views, but happened to have the same ones! What a great match and I happen to think that was a really healthy way to start a relationship….with two people with the same values, talking about them. This lady happened to cite her “values” and everyone can’t believe it and cites “sexual chemistry” as being most important in a relationship.
I guess this bugs me so because even when I was dating my husband I had this same thought in my head embedded in there, somewhere. Maybe I was making a mistake, maybe they were right about this “compatibility” thing…Argh. It bugs me that I thought that, but there was only so much I could push out everything friends and culture was telling me. I remember I even had a hair dresser tell me that by not living together before we were married we were being seriously naive (I never went back to him).
But our wedding night? Every night that came after? Yeah, we totally did not make a mistake!! Sexual chemistry can be learned folks! That’s half the fun of it! Getting to know each other and knowing that what you’re doing together by being intimate is important and has a purpose! In fact, I’m pretty sure the only reason that either of us was able to have the foundational trust to have success with marriage given our damaged past was because we recommitted to chastity before marriage (and that we use it during marriage, but that’s another story…)
Bleh. That episode just left a sour taste in my mouth, thought I’m proud that girl said something in response, along the lines of “I believe it can be learned!” That’s true! Its important to be attracted to one another. yes. but the rest can be learned guys.
Anyway, was just feeling like they should have renamed that episode, “Things that you can’t talk about out loud, except if you’re a born again virgin Christian woman…just keep that to yourself”.