Its obviously no secret that blogging has taken a back seat for, well the past year. I could lie and say its because I’ve just been so busy, which I guess isn’t too much of a lie these days (free time = exhausted and want to do something mindless that usually can’t involve making coherent sentences/thoughts), but as I’ve explored before, I seem best motivated to write when I have something negative/controversial just itching at my brain begging to get out. And I remember a time that even though I was so busy, I felt like I could literally not rest until I got my thoughts and poured my heart out on this blog. There’s no denying it. Times have changed.
I am truly happy that we reached our ‘goal’, that we have this little baby staring up at us every morning and we’re finally on this journey of parenthood that truly feels like a new beginning. But I can’t help but realize, through comments people have written and just by the memory of how I used to feel myself, that I have become the enemy. I hesitate to write updates on Sam because, well I remember reading those updates on babies and thinking “wow, that baby is already X months old? awesome. what another way to mark my sub-fertility”. I hesitate to write about other things since I don’t want people to think I’m not caring about/excited about my child.
So I hesitate to write at all.
And then nothing gets written.
I realize my skin is thin, I care too much about what people will think, how something will get misinterpreted, mostly because I know how I would twist things before and how they looked from my perspective. In a way I guess I feel at odds with myself and who I used to be. I have a hard time thinking “Oh, well maybe someone will just feel hope from this or that”, because I knew that it was temporal and totally depended on the moment and that usually, no things did not bring me hope, they brought a lot of bitterness. So I think that’s why people leave blogging after they have a baby. Its really difficult to balance both perspectives and its just easier to stop writing. Which of course hurts as well. I guess the bottom line is that when you share your thoughts with the world, you have to expect a backlash. And since I’ve put my name and face on my blog (i.e., this is not an anonymous blog) I should not be careless about what I say. Its good that I’m worried about how my writing should be received, but I shouldn’t let that silence me. Right?
We just had the anniversary of the conception date. Yes, I think about things like that. I still have the receipt from the night that we went out to dinner on our fridge (though I doubt anyone would know what its from). Yes there was wine that night, we did go to a winery the night before as well :) I also took this picture of the crescent moon because I thought it was so beautiful that night.
Who else out there ovulates near a new moon?
What was crazy is this year we went to the same children’s concert we went to last year. My sister was in town with my nephew and we went to this concert and had so much fun watching him and all the other kids dance. And then it hit me, as I watched M. play with my husband, what we were missing out on. And he is so good with kids. Seriously.
And then I remember taking this picture. Just a picture of us. Our family! We are fine! We are happy! Look at all you have to be happy about! I remember thinking that sometimes its forced but you just have to make yourself feel it.
And then I remember this next picture. I took it to hide the tears that kept coming to my eyes as I looked around and thought, will this happen for me? All these laughing and dancing kids with their parents…is it just a dream that will never happen? Laying down on the blanket and looking straight up I thought I was hiding tears, I remember trying to frame pictures of these trees to make the tears stop. This was a nice day. Why did I have to ruin it with thinking about my childlessness?
Because it wasn’t a choice. It was always there.
Pictures like this remind of that.
And then there’s the picture I took this year, as I recounted to my husband my thoughts and feelings from last year.
Who’d have thought we would be bringing our son to the same exact concert a year later?
Who’d have thought that when I set up this blog, that future ‘ matching moonheads’ would be so hard to come by? Who knew that we would end up in Mexico or California, or that Sam, this specific baby would be here?
I sure didn’t! But I’m so glad that I have this blog to record all that has gone on surrounding it all. And that’s why I think its important to blog/journal.
To record our thoughts and experiences with all the things we never thought we’d face.