We had our first Southern California infertility/miscarriage/prayer support group meeting about two weeks ago.  Only a few couples showed up the actual event and so it turned really informal, which was probably good for ‘bonding’?  A few others  emailed/called to say that they were interested but had scheduling conflicts.  We’re planning another one for early March…hopefully we can get a few more people out of the woodwork.  So, if you’re reading this and you’re a lurker, please email me to find out more information!  We’re all super cool and non-threatening, I promise!

I wonder what my role will be in this group going forward, I do.  I wonder how my larger belly at the next meeting will be perceived but I hope I can just remain humble enough to listen and support others and not be a cause of pain, I don’t know.  I just know that I’m called to this ministry now and to help organize something that badly needs it in this part of the country.  Its painful to hear of women suffering multiple miscarriages and not having any support from their churches…hopefully we can provide some relief and support.

So this and NFP seems where I’m called right now, only we’re doing less on the NFP front.  I hope to schedule an information session in March also at our parish.  We are helping with RCIA but are trying to obeserve and make suggestions instead of going in and just changing their classes.  We are both serving as sponsors for confirmandi, and I THOUGHT we would be ending on Easter, which would be several weeks before our due date, but they changed the weeks this year with the bishop and we’re now supposed to be at the downtown cathedral a few days before our due date!  A little nuts but we have ‘subs’ ready in case the baby comes early.

We’re also serving on a panel for the high school confirmation class “vocations and discernment” talk in a few weeks (although, it was suggested that another couple “with children and experience parenting” serve also since we didn’t know anything about that…have to admit that comment ruffled my feathers a bit, but I’m sure the old man who suggested it didn’t mean any harm).  If any one has any idea about what things to say to high schoolers or any good youtube clips we can show, do share!  I’m a little unfamiliar with this age group but we’re trying…hope the Holy Spirit gives us something intelligent to say!

On the baby front, I’m growing away…a little too much says my doctor :(  But I can feel a moving, kicking, squirming little one in there all throughout the day so as long as I’m eating healthy I’m trying not to listen to my doctor and ignore the numbers. I would not step on that scale if they let me.  Seriously, I knew I was gaining a lot but I think there should be a warning button and/or personality test that the doctor’s take to see how much anxiety telling a given pregnancy woman they’re gaining too much weight will cause. I clearly have a perfectionist streak in the sense that if a medical professional tells me I’m hurting my baby, I will do what I can to not hurt my baby.  It would just help to know that their advice is reasonable.  And if its not, that also makes me think, what am I doing in this office again listening to you?  In all reality, I’m at most 5 lbs over the recommended weight at this point.  I hardly think that’s enough to scare a pregnant woman about and tell her to watch her calories.  Ok, no more weight talk…

Our birth classes are going well and I even bought some things for the baby the other week.  Pretty much the only unisex onesies I could find at the discount store and I just picked some slings  on Craigslist today.  What a steal!

The cashier said something sweet the other week, she asked if I knew the sex of the baby.  I’m always reluctant to answer that question because of course its a personal decision and a great majority of our friends/family seem actually upset at the fact that we didn’t find out.  When I told her that we didn’t know, she said something along the lines of “Oh, good for you!  That’s the last real surprise we have on this Earth so that’s just great.”   So I thanked her for being so nice about it, although I think her statement was a complete exaggeration.  It was nice to have someone support one of the first decisions we’ve made for parenting this child.  But the last great surprise?  Will a meteor come and kill us all?  What will the toy in my kinder egg be?…Maybe the last surprise that we can find out the truth to but choose not to.  I think I would have loved to been given the option of asking “God, am I going to have children?” and have a definitive answer.  I probably would have taken that answer in a heartbeat.  So, in a way I think not finding out the gender is my way of not being greedy, if you can even call it that.  I said that’s all I needed and I have my answer now, so now I just have to be patient and wait for it to get here.

And I go to Houston for a baby shower this weekend.  Beyond thrilled to be going back to Texas and to see my friends and then for a baby shower?  Oh man, I’m in Alison-heaven.  Trying to savor every minute!

Heavy Heart

Yesterday I learned that my surgery buddy’s baby is in heaven now.

Please pray for this new mother. The grief must be enormous.

I have no more words.


The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

This past week …

This past week has been a whirlwind of surprises and heartbreaks of my close friends and family that I can only sum it up by requesting your prayers for these events.  All of them have me thinking of the special vulnerability of the woman (not that men aren’t, but through our biology we women feel it in a special way that men don’t and can’t) when we open ourselves up to life and the blessings that that can bring.  With the hope for greatness comes the potential to be let down and to suffer, so prayer is particularly important and comforting when we aren’t in control…

– First, for my sister, who broker her collarbone last week and has a two month old and a two and a half year old.  This is one of those situations where I thank God for pumps and formula as she cannot even hold her baby, let alone nurse her.  And I’m thankful my mom is available to fly out to help her.  Please pray for her recovery and for her family.

This little cutie we got to meet a few weeks breaks my heart knowing she can't hold her :(

– Dear, sweet Rebecca is having surgery tomorrow.  Please pray this is the only one she’ll ever need and that it will provide answers to the questions surrounding her fertility!

All of us hanging out a few weeks ago for brunch :)

– A friend dealing with re-occurring miscarriage and what is looking like secondary sub/infertility…that she may find answers and a good doctor to help her understand these difficult questions.

– Another friend who embraced what was a surprise pregnancy only to have it end in miscarriage this past week almost as she entered the 2nd trimester.  This is a cross very unfamiliar to me, but I imagine to reluctantly say “your will be done” when accepting a new pregnancy and then have it be torn away after seeing a heartbeat, etc., there are a lot of conflicting emotions in addition to the grief.  Please pray that she’s able to save herself from the guilt and trust in His plan.

On to a little bit brighter news…

– A close friend sharing the happy news of their pregnancy!  Her and I were unknowingly “surgery buddies” and she and her husband are sweet souls who have befriended us out here in CA after we met at a pro-life event.  Please pray that this little baby will stick around to be held in her arms in somewhere around 36 weeks and for them to have peace with God’s will, whatever that may be.  But please Lord, help this little one grow big and strong!

– Another friend from Texas sharing the joy of her pregnancy, again very early in the first trimester so to calm her worries and to help this little one grow grow grow!

Ahh, like I said so much going on.  As my own life seems in a moment of two good to be true, and to know that with each Braxton-Hicks we’re closer and closer to meeting this little one ourselves, the world continues on around us.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord!

My instincts were right after all!!

A retraction to the retraction!

This is probably old news by now, but I’m feeling like a little vindication after writing this post.

A little summary here:

Apparently I was dead wrong when I wrote this post.  I never formerly apologized for being dead wrong, but I am now.  I’m sorry!!  It turns out Beyoncé just really knows how to dodge media questions.  Well played Beyoncé, well played.  At first I thought, well with an out of the world pregnancy announcement like that – and as excited as Jay-Z looked – maybe they did have troubles?  But I’m pretty sure that was just the work of a diva entertainer putting on an over the top announcement that no sub/infertile would have the gall to pull off.  What do you think?

I had found a quote by Jay-z, and of course I can’t find it now, but it was something along the lines of, “you think you know how you life will go and then you realize its not up to you.”  Which was attributed to Beyonce being a meany and keeping him from having kids but, from the lines in his new song, apparently they did have some fertility issues (from his song, at least one miscarriage – don’t know if that’s quite sub-fertility, but still!).  I was right!  (Pat myself on the back for calling that one way back when).

Here’s the song, in case you’re looking for the proof.

For the record, I read the lyrics in an article and that’s how I found out :)  I am the gossip queen though!


I apologize that I’m not that with it with wordpress and incorrectly made a post with the pregnancy pictures instead of just posting it to the sidebar like I intended :(  Unfortunately, I’m not even bright enough to realize that those following me would automatically get a copy in their reader, well, that was until after I had already clicked ‘publish’.  And I’ve still not been able to figure out who’s following me, which makes me think the number affected was incredibly small, but I really have no clue.

For the record, if I update a post, does that get sent to your reader too?  Or is it possible to just silently update it from here on out?  Sorry again for royally screwing that all up :(

To make up for it, I’ll post a nice little picture of the manger scene outside the Santa Barbara Mission we went to a couple weeks ago.

It was a live manger scene, complete with little donkeys!

It would have been so much cuter if he hadn’t looked so sad :(

And, probably the best picture of the trip, here’s Mr. Moonhead himself in an alternate life…

Funny thing is his high school mascot was actually the friar!

My apologies again…

2012: The year of our baby

First it was Advent.  Then it was Christmas.  And then New Year’s.

All going by without so much as a quiet (written) reflection.  Sigh.

Many things seem like a blur lately and its hard to find time to pick up our house let alone do anything else.  We did just get back home from a multi-stop trip visiting family across the states.  I figured it was time to seize the day and make it happen because who knows when we’d be able to again.  Perhaps I underestimated how tiring of a trip it would be,  especially factoring in the two days of remote working due to a conveniently placed project deadline.

One thing for sure is that its become more of a reality that this baby is indeed making its way here, and sooner rather than later.  That was probably the biggest realization of the new year.  2012.  This is year of our baby.  Wow.  I can gather how it seems contrived that its taking so long for it to sink in, but with half of my time spent at work and the rest spent mostly sleeping or eating, its been hard to find time to do anything else and the shock still lingers.  I guess somewhere in there though, I can see how just as its hard for someone to understand what its like to go through sub/infertility, its hard to fathom how you’ll react on the other side of it as well.  I remember commenting on probably several blogs that I never understood why women who get pregnant don’t just skip off happily into the sunset.  I really didn’t get it.  The best way to put to my former self, is that it feels like everything is right with the world because you finally have everything you had longed for, but to still KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that its really not, that there are still people really suffering a great isolating, sorrow.  And to have those people be your close friends you walked shoulder to shoulder with or didn’t even know existed, it doesn’t matter.  That’s the way the world has always been, I realize, but going through the transition just takes it to a whole new level of reality on a personal level.  I guess I was just naive before, or thought the world was limited to physical poverty, not the spiritual/emotional kind that exists even in the land of plenty.  But even then physical poverty can be somewhat alleviated by money/time donations.  What is there to do for the other sorrows?  Prayer, listening ears and hearts, and more prayer.

But I won’t beat a dead horse.

I really am making efforts to make this pregnancy a reality.  Well, I’ve been reading birth/parenting books since the start of the second trimester and we have even watched two birth videos already (yes WE, my husband is convinced that baby is just gonna slide right out…which makes me wonder if we’re even watching the same videos).  And yes, I even made a facebook update that covertly mentioned the baby.  Radical, I know.  We may even register for a few big baby things now that I know a shower may be in the works in a few weeks, you know, in case any rich relatives want to come out of the woodwork and help us out.

And perhaps most relevant, I created a baby/momma progress page, accessible from over there on the sidebar.  So those of you that want to, and when you want to, can see some photographic evidence of what’s growing on over here.  And I can share these photos I’ve been clinging to, desperate to see some sort of proof that there is something growing and that change is evident.  At this point, I think it is (that and the kicking is telling me so).

As I’ve always struggled with confidence and humility, this girl who still thinks I fooled a department into giving me a PhD, somehow tricked a company into giving me a job (they probably think that too now that they know I’m pregnant), and could probably give a very decent excuse for why anything good has ever happened to me, I know beyond any doubt that I really did nothing to deserve this pregnancy.  And I will not stop saying it, because it feels good to admit complete inadequacy.

I could not have earned this if I tried.  Lord, thank you for teaching me that.

Baby/Momma Moonhead Growth Progress

Photographic evidence that this pregnancy is happening.  Accidentally wearing the same the work clothes every time I take a picture, but I guess it makes for a nice time sequence!

The first photo at (unknowingly) about 3 weeks. Taken in self pity.

August 21st: The mysterious second line that I had accidentally envisioned so long ago.

8 weeks
9 weeks
16/17 weeks
baby c! at 20 weeks
21 weeks

24 weeks

About 28 weeks

32 weeks

36 weeks

38 weeks