Healing

So its come to my attention that I never updated about the ultrasound appointment I had last Monday.  I realized that I updated those I’m close to through a flurry of text messages and then nothing on the blog :(  In case you care, so this is to all one of you, the baby is doing well and according to my doctor, we have an overwhelming percentage of making it to birth now!  Great news to hear.  We got to hear and see the heartbeat, as well as learn that we will be having an ultrasound every month because our doctor does not use the doppler.  This is amazing, because we get to see the baby every month (even from the awkward neck screening angle that mom is given…I kept saying “Can you see him/her honey?  I can’t tell what we’re looking at”) but I do have two concerns: 1)  I don’t know if our plan to not find out the gender will work with such frequent visual examinations.  That’s all I’ll say about that for now.  and then 2) am I the only one that’s still a liiiittle bit concerned about the dangers of ultrasounds?  Especially this often?  If anyone has any references that would save me a few keystrokes.

So after the good news on Monday, it was for sure time to tell work.  That and the fact that my pants don’t button anymore.  That occupied pretty much every waking moment not at work I had with my husband to figure out exactly how to break the news to my bosses.  In person? Emails?  Phone calls?  I was so so nervous about their reaction (I am the only girl in the group, the youngest, found out I was pregnant right when I started working and to my knowledge, the first person ever pregnant in the group, ever) that I decided on emails to my simultaneous bosses, which at the last minute turned into me “getting some guts”, walking into the local manager’s office, and awkwardly spewing out that I was pregnant and that we had been unable to get pregnant for a while so this was really a miracle of sorts for us.  Awkwardness was then matched by my managers reaction because, well, he seemed caught off guard.  A few hours later I called the head manager and told him over the phone, and we had a good long talk about the deficiencies of progesterone in the woman’s cycle (how we got there is for another story).  Exciting, I know.  He, of course, also told me the lovely story of his sister who after dealing with secondary infertility for 4 years, discovered she was pregnant about 2 or 3 weeks after returned home from Asia with her beautiful adopted daughter.  Those stories don’t frustrate me nearly as much as they used to, perhaps because of my own situation now.  (Post to come on that one for sure – don’t worry, I will not tell you to relax and get pregnant).

After telling the bosses I felt so free.  Wish I could have done it sooner and not worried type of thing.  What’s done is done and there is a baby in there that I am beyond thrilled about, while I’ve had the job for a matter of weeks.  Perspective.  Some time after that I realized that this Monday was Halloween and I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to share with the in-laws at an aunt’s party that we were pregnant in a very cute way: through the Halloween costume.  If only I had realized it earlier so it could have been cute.  I went at the last minute as a pumpkin with a tiny pumpkin taped to my belly.  It was a fun way to tell his aunt’s family that we were pregnant.  Everyone else knew.  Plus we were the only ones dressed up, so after about 5 minutes it was just odd.  My husband didn’t really join in the “group outfit” and went as Gaddafi.

I admit, although many moons ago I may have, I have absolutely no desire to scream anywhere, let alone on Facebook that I’m pregnant.  I have a strong desire to tell everyone that has been praying for us we’re pregnant.  But as for random people, its just not there.  Maybe its a “half of you could have cared less that we were having trouble conceiving so why should I turn myself into an ultrasound picture to have your forced acknowledgement” bitter thing that I should let go of, but the other part is that I think Facebook is a very impersonal way to tell someone you’re pregnant.  I remember feeling the same way when I switched my status to “engaged”.  And I hated finding out that way from closer friends.  So, do unto others, right?

And as of today, the rest of our research group knows I’m pregnant too.  The cat is out.  Our secret is no longer a secret.  Our baby is being recognized by other people now, which makes the whole thing that much more real.  I for sure try to add in how long we waited for this little one whenever I tell people, if they don’t already know.  I don’t know why I do that.  To bust the myth that its always easy or an accident?   Sometimes people wait a long time to get pregnant and usually those people are quiet about it.  Its not that I think our baby is better or we’re more deserving because we had to wait, I also think I want people to understand why I’m hesitant.  Why I’m not shouting from the rooftops and wanting you to look at my belly.  Why I look a little odd and giggle when I tell you I’m pregnant, its still odd to hear those words myself.  For so long pregnancy has been a conflicting source of emotions, of pain.

And now this momma pumpkin is trying to heal.  I am so grateful for this opportunity to heal.

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19 thoughts on “Healing

  1. Yay for the update! I am glad that everything is going well, and that that means that you’re healing.

    And I for one will be really interested to read about your conclusions re ultrasounds.

  2. I know what you mean about the big FB update. I thought about it for a long time too, and decided I am going to do it (once I hit 12 wks). I don’t want it to be a source of hurt to anyone, but I decided that, despite being a private person, I can be a voice for the infertiles who are suffering in silence. I can say on FB, you know what? We had a long, hard road, and this child is a miracle. It’s not a commodity, not a burden. A gift, a miracle. I want people who are infertile who may not have as good a support system as I do in these wonderful bloggers, to know that it’s okay to talk about it, to need support. Ultimately, that’s what influenced my decision. And, all our close family/friends already know.

    I’m so glad your ultrasound went well! They are so surreal. It’s like a window inside!

    • I thought about doing that too, because I guess that’s what I do when I tell people anyway and what I have planned to do when I email my friends and extended family. But as for Facebook, I just think I never had the strength before when we were struggling to do an announcement like that to announce that not everyone gets pregnant, so why would I just do it afterwards? Would I really be a voice for “infertiles” to tell them its ok to talk about the pain in the midst of it or just another success story finally sharing the joyful part of the cross? I just know that the way we shared our struggle was on a more personal level, so I’d rather that be the way we share our joy too. I know that many people don’t agree with me on this, so to each her own. I think it also has to do with your level of activity on Facebook though, and I haven’t been on there as much since starting to work.

      • I guess mostly I just thought it might give people some hope and be a reminder that not everyone can get pregnant at the drop of a hat…I know when I was infertile I felt that way a lot. Just a reminder that other people struggle too might be helpful, that’s what I was thinking. Seeing those people who had also struggled finally get pregnant didn’t feel like just another success story to me, it was a reminder that I wasn’t alone. Also I feel like by bringing to light my infertility and struggles, I’m not sharing only the joyful part. I kind of hope it’ll maybe make non-infertiles more aware of infertility and hopefully make them stop and think about being more sensitive. I guess that’s mostly what I was thinking. But also I spend a ton of time on facebook now because I have no energy for anything else. :P

  3. As a healthcare professional I can tell you not to freak out about ultrasounds. X-rays are the thing to worry about. Hope that gives you peace of mind.

    Glad you are on the road to healing. In some respect though, I think anyone who’s struggled with IF/sub-fertilitiy will have it be a part of them forever.

  4. I’m so glad to get an update!

    I also felt the need to tack on “We had to wait a really long time for this” when I told people we were finally pregnant. Heck, I still tell people any time they admire my baby. Somehow I want people to know how special and important she is to us, and to explain why I might be a little protective. I’m not letting this baby out of my sight — I worked too hard to get her! Kind of like, Yeah, I’m a little neurotic, but you would be too if you had to wait so long! I guess I also do it, like you say, to help people to see that babies aren’t always that easy to come by. In a world where everyone seems to be able to have babies just by thinking about them, I want folks to know that some of us have to wait a little longer.

  5. Hey! I sent you an email with an article I found about OB U/S. Let me know if you didn’t get it and I will try to send it again.

    I am so glad everything looked good and your pregnancy continues to go well!

    • yes, i did! and thank you so much. i read most of it and printed it out as well. i’m so glad you sent it too because my vpn journal access is already gone :(
      and to everyone else, i will post about ultrasounds soon!

  6. Ignore that article you were given the link to. Total crap. Ultrasound is safe. The World Health Organization has reviewed 61 (!!) articles and found that there is no evidence of bad maternal or neonatal outcomes. Here is also a link to the American Institute of Ultrasound medicine position paper:

    http://www.aium.org/publications/viewStatement.aspx?id=11

    Here are a few links to some actual scientific studies showing NO difference between those with ultrasounds and those without:
    http://www.ob-ultrasound.net/safestar.htm
    http://www.ob-ultrasound.net/safesal1.htm

    Here is One study I found that showed a very slightly increased risk of growth restriction in babies who got lots of ultrasounds.
    http://www.ob-ultrasound.net/safenewn.htm

    Don’t worry. If your doctor is concerned about something, the risks outweigh the benefits to make sure the baby is growing well.

  7. My doc is an NFP only pro-life doctor and he uses ultrasound fairly regularly…when necessary …but he doesn’t seem to think it is too terribly dangerous or I don’t think he would do them. Anecdotal of course…but so far so good with my pregnancies/children and ultrasounds.

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