New knits…now with crochets!

So first off, I knit this cool little earflap hat.  These pictures don’t quite show how wonky it is, but you can see the cables in it that were pretty fun to do.

Hats remain the most satisfying to knit.  I have like 5 more patterns I want to try.

Also, earlier this summer I decided to take the plunge and start knitting….baby things.  That’s right.  Apparently in India only women expecting babies knit (and why my roommate stopped knitting right after I taught her, to not lead her mother in law on!).  A long time ago (ok, two years) I started knitting to calm my mind and yet give me something productive to do (so maybe that is true?).  I only became productive at it once I was stranded in another country and taking plane flights back and forth to Mexico, really.  But I decided I had a few close friends and relatives giving birth and so I wanted to celebrate their children and, as painful as it would be to not knit something for my own child, at least I could pray for their child as I knit.  So maybe if I wasn’t so vocal in being happy and estatic in their pregnancies, they’d see that they still mattered and I still cared about them, just in a way that was more conducive to my situation.  Also, I could avoid an unnecessary trip to Babies R Us, aka, the land of nightmares :)

Well anyways, I forgot to take a picture of the first baby blanket I knit before I sent it off :P  Bummer.  However, the second one I did take a picture of.  Only, I also started something new…crochet!  I’ve had a few friends request clearly crocheted items over the last year and it was bugging me that I didn’t know how to do it, though its supposedly easier.  So I bought a book and I learned.  And I crocheted this in a few nights as practice.

While I starting knitting the blankets before we found out we were pregnant, I bought that crochet book the first weeka we found out.  However, shortly later is when I discovered our dropping progesterone levels and so one night while making this, I told my husband that this would be for our little one.  Some people go buy their baby something to make it real, I crocheted this little guy.

So anyways, back to the blanket…I also crocheted my sister (and my new niece) this little stuffed koala.  He’s all wonky but I think he’s adorable.  AND one of a kind!  Can’t buy that in a store! (Probably because they wouldn’t let you sell it…).

And here’s another shot of my husband modeling just how comfy that blanket was…

What a good sport.  Anyways, I better start being more productive because I keep going to the store and buying yarn but unless there’s a change in my output, my husband is going to start getting suspicious….unless he already is…

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Best effort

One day I’m going to look back at this blog and think “Man, I did so much writing while not pregnant…what the heck did I think when I was pregnant?”.  I would really like to try to remember (something other than the fact that it was really hard to remember things), so here’s my attempt to just get things rolling again.

– I had a conference in Phoenix and got to meet some local bloggers there.  Did you catch the pictures?  Its true, we exist in real life, apparently!  And see, dear hubby, my friends really DO exist!  (And, like E, are not axe murders…that I know of ;) )  Leila, Danya and Joanna are all amazing ladies and I had a great time, really could have blown off my presentation and spent all week talking!  I even got to meet Danya’s adorable family!  What a lucky girl I am!

– I am back up to my original dose of progesterone.  It was a blissful two weeks only poking myself, er, receiving a poke, in the behind ONCE a week for half the time, alas, my body decided to stop making progesterone and I am now back to my previous levels.  At least I’m far enough into the 2nd tri that I no longer feel the intense fear associated with seeing those low levels (that and I actually never asked for the specific level, look at that self control!).   So now I’m back at 200 mg/L 2x a week until who knows when.  I did a crazy move and ordered a bunch of vials in hopes that maybe this will be like that one time I ordered extra HCG and ended up not needing it because I ended up pregnant…just a hope (Sidenote: anyone know how to dispose of HCG? Its still chilling in my fridge, literally…hehe).

– One downside to increasing progesterone again is a that I think I was just finally getting used to the idea of my body being capable of this pregnancy and now I feel a little backsliding.  I have almost finished my first “birth book” and its still surreal to think that after how long it took for my body to clue in on how to get pregnant that it could continue to function properly and know what to do when it comes down to actually birthing the baby.  But I was just becoming used to the idea and feeling comfortable with my progesterone levels that it knew what it was doing medically as well.  Now I’ll have to regroup and try to regain that focus.  I guess I do see it as an important step in not being fearful of birth, which I would like to not be.  Knowing many people that have been on progesterone shots for an extended time and still having a good birth experience is helping.

– I have been knitting/crocheting up a storm.  Well, more like a slight breeze.  To be honest I’ve been too tired to even watch The Office without falling asleep.  And as soon as my sister gets her package I’ll have to post some pictures to share.  Also, my husband has finally realized that with all this knitting I’ve done I’ve yet to knit him anything.  Before you think me cruel, he has only recently stopped calling me an old lady for knitting and has admitted its a good hobby for me.  So he has requested, brace yourself, a sweater.   I have never made something so substantial before and I started it last night.   I have dreams of finishing it before Christmas but I’m really just trying to get it done for him to wear it this season…so….March?  I think I can do March. Wish we luck.

 

Ok, if I wait to add more this probably won’t get published, so I’m just gonna go ahead and click GO!

Healing

So its come to my attention that I never updated about the ultrasound appointment I had last Monday.  I realized that I updated those I’m close to through a flurry of text messages and then nothing on the blog :(  In case you care, so this is to all one of you, the baby is doing well and according to my doctor, we have an overwhelming percentage of making it to birth now!  Great news to hear.  We got to hear and see the heartbeat, as well as learn that we will be having an ultrasound every month because our doctor does not use the doppler.  This is amazing, because we get to see the baby every month (even from the awkward neck screening angle that mom is given…I kept saying “Can you see him/her honey?  I can’t tell what we’re looking at”) but I do have two concerns: 1)  I don’t know if our plan to not find out the gender will work with such frequent visual examinations.  That’s all I’ll say about that for now.  and then 2) am I the only one that’s still a liiiittle bit concerned about the dangers of ultrasounds?  Especially this often?  If anyone has any references that would save me a few keystrokes.

So after the good news on Monday, it was for sure time to tell work.  That and the fact that my pants don’t button anymore.  That occupied pretty much every waking moment not at work I had with my husband to figure out exactly how to break the news to my bosses.  In person? Emails?  Phone calls?  I was so so nervous about their reaction (I am the only girl in the group, the youngest, found out I was pregnant right when I started working and to my knowledge, the first person ever pregnant in the group, ever) that I decided on emails to my simultaneous bosses, which at the last minute turned into me “getting some guts”, walking into the local manager’s office, and awkwardly spewing out that I was pregnant and that we had been unable to get pregnant for a while so this was really a miracle of sorts for us.  Awkwardness was then matched by my managers reaction because, well, he seemed caught off guard.  A few hours later I called the head manager and told him over the phone, and we had a good long talk about the deficiencies of progesterone in the woman’s cycle (how we got there is for another story).  Exciting, I know.  He, of course, also told me the lovely story of his sister who after dealing with secondary infertility for 4 years, discovered she was pregnant about 2 or 3 weeks after returned home from Asia with her beautiful adopted daughter.  Those stories don’t frustrate me nearly as much as they used to, perhaps because of my own situation now.  (Post to come on that one for sure – don’t worry, I will not tell you to relax and get pregnant).

After telling the bosses I felt so free.  Wish I could have done it sooner and not worried type of thing.  What’s done is done and there is a baby in there that I am beyond thrilled about, while I’ve had the job for a matter of weeks.  Perspective.  Some time after that I realized that this Monday was Halloween and I had the once in a lifetime opportunity to share with the in-laws at an aunt’s party that we were pregnant in a very cute way: through the Halloween costume.  If only I had realized it earlier so it could have been cute.  I went at the last minute as a pumpkin with a tiny pumpkin taped to my belly.  It was a fun way to tell his aunt’s family that we were pregnant.  Everyone else knew.  Plus we were the only ones dressed up, so after about 5 minutes it was just odd.  My husband didn’t really join in the “group outfit” and went as Gaddafi.

I admit, although many moons ago I may have, I have absolutely no desire to scream anywhere, let alone on Facebook that I’m pregnant.  I have a strong desire to tell everyone that has been praying for us we’re pregnant.  But as for random people, its just not there.  Maybe its a “half of you could have cared less that we were having trouble conceiving so why should I turn myself into an ultrasound picture to have your forced acknowledgement” bitter thing that I should let go of, but the other part is that I think Facebook is a very impersonal way to tell someone you’re pregnant.  I remember feeling the same way when I switched my status to “engaged”.  And I hated finding out that way from closer friends.  So, do unto others, right?

And as of today, the rest of our research group knows I’m pregnant too.  The cat is out.  Our secret is no longer a secret.  Our baby is being recognized by other people now, which makes the whole thing that much more real.  I for sure try to add in how long we waited for this little one whenever I tell people, if they don’t already know.  I don’t know why I do that.  To bust the myth that its always easy or an accident?   Sometimes people wait a long time to get pregnant and usually those people are quiet about it.  Its not that I think our baby is better or we’re more deserving because we had to wait, I also think I want people to understand why I’m hesitant.  Why I’m not shouting from the rooftops and wanting you to look at my belly.  Why I look a little odd and giggle when I tell you I’m pregnant, its still odd to hear those words myself.  For so long pregnancy has been a conflicting source of emotions, of pain.

And now this momma pumpkin is trying to heal.  I am so grateful for this opportunity to heal.