Little takes

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Thank you all for your comments yesterday.  You have no idea how they have lifted my spirits…your stories about nausea free pregnancies and your prayers, man.   They were a great remedy for my fear.  You seem to only hear about the pregnancies that are bad, but I guess that’s just because we like to complain, huh?  ;)  I still am a numbers girl though and man, when I think about that 18, I get freaked out and its hard to breathe.  My progestrone hasn’t been that low in a while.  It was ~30 the two months on HCG, so those numbers are messing with me too.  Oh Lord.  Nothing I can do now.

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I forgot to mention that earlier this week I had a dream I had a miscarriage. Super vivid.  In my dream I was ready for it though, the miscarriage.  I have been feeling like I’m looking for my period for the past 5 weeks now, so I guess in my dream I just expected it.  “Here it comes!”  Oh man.  Let that just stay a dream.

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Oh yes, and I tried to call the doctor yesterday and see if there was just any way they could pretty pretty please squeeze me in and see me any earlier than next Friday?   Of course they are absolutely booked until then.  He said if I want to say I have cramping I can just go to the ER.  I won’t be doing that.

I know its not an ultrasound I want though, I just want to know that everything is going to be OK.  I want to know that I get to stay in this amazing land and continue on my journey to Planet pregnancy (I think I won’t be there until I see the baby…or I see a bump…I don’t know at what point it becomes ‘real’) and one day I’ll get to hold this little baby that I still can’t wrap my head around but is apparently in my belly?

And I know that an ultrasound won’t give me that, not really.  Maybe it will make me feel better for the moment (or it will confirm what’s happened) but it probably won’t last much longer after that.  I’ll still always have to wonder if everything is going OK in there.

So, I guess its my lot to have this wait.  To just, walk it by faith this next week.  That’s what I need more of anyway.

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Now for a total switch….I heard on the radio today that unemployment is 12.5% in LA now and rising.  I feel even more fortunate to have landed this job (I just completed my first month), even though the timing of it all is pretty amazing.

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  It does cross my mind that I like my job so much more because I know that I’m pregnant.  Isn’t that ridiculous?

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Ok, back to the topic….As hard as this has been (and as hard as I just cried realizing my progesterone is still zone 2), this ‘suffering’ is so much different than sub-fertility.  That felt like being led blind in the dark, true physical and emotional suffering and isolation.  This feels like, “Here’s this amazing blessing you could never have deserved, but wait…Why are you freaking out now??? Just be patient there is an end in sight, weirdo!  Just have a little trust!” (Yes, God calls me a weirdo in my inner monologues)

The joy I’ve felt this past month has been amazing…joy I didn’t know I was even capable of still feeling.  Even though there has been worry and anxiety as well, its totally different than having so little to grasp at and to just know that whatever happens, this has happened, has been incredible.  I just wanted to make that clear, in case I was sounding whiny.  Its just that the worry of being a mom and totally set it.

And that’s a new, terrifying game in its own right.

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Never have I appreciated the weekends more than now that I’m working.  Hallelujah its Friday.  (Plus that means, only 1 more week!)

Please go for more quick takes at Jen’s.  And have a great weekend :)

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7 thoughts on “Little takes

  1. If you’re anything like me it may never feel real. I still don’t believe I carried Mary-Grace for 9 months, gave birth to her , and that she’s been here on the outside world for almost 6 months.

    As for the progesterone. Try not to stress. I know that’s hard. With MG I started off at 13 so super low. It never got above 23 I believe. I quit testing it at 25 weeks because it was stressing me too much. Just keep up with your pio.

  2. I can completely understand your fears… I have always said (and I stand by this) that former IFers (and sub-Fers) have more of a right to complain in pg than fertiles do ;) We EARNED that right, after all! And the “complaints” are not true complaints, anyway, it is more of a worry about being the best possible mother- including the health of the baby and your hormone levels. So please don’t feel bad about your worries. The last thing you need, on top of the completely NORMAL worrying, is guilt that you are offending other people. I absolutely HATE being made to feel guilty when I am already feeling horrible about my current state, whatever it may be.

  3. I understand why you are worried, but you have a tendency to over think things. :) This is usually good, but in this case it is stopping you from enjoying something you’ve been waiting so long for! Just enjoy now and you can worry later if you need to.

  4. I know low progesterone is scary, but since it always helped me to hear about others’ low levels (who went on to deliver healthy babies), I’ll share mine with you.. I started at 9.3 (which a non-napro dr would probably say meant miscarriage was imminent, although they wouldn’t have even tested for it in the first place), and was zone 1 for many, many weeks. And now my baby is almost 10 months old! Praying your worries become more manageable (since they may never go away now that you’re a mother!).

  5. It’s not ridiculous to feel like you like your job more because you’re pregnant. Part of my frustration in ttc is that I feel defined by my job, but my job is of a much lower priority to me than so many more things. Now you have something else, something HUGE for the “I’m not just my job” side of the scale, and it’s helping put your job in perspective. I think that when your job isn’t your whole life, it’s easier to enjoy all of life, including the job.

    I’m still praying for you and tiny moonhead every day!

  6. I agree with TCIE. After waiting SO. LONG. for the miracle of life in your womb, you are completely justified in being concerned about his health and safety. I took my first pregnancy for granted because I was pg 3 months after my wedding. Then after 3 1/2 years of IF, I’ve been a million times more worried (maybe complaining, but only out of fear!) with this pregnancy. It just seems so fragile and “too good to be true” that you can’t help but let it constantly be on your mind.

    And you’re right – an ultrasound will make you feel better for a bit. But I’m at 30 weeks and I’m STILL worried about one thing or another! :) Sorry…that’s actually supposed to make you feel better, not more nervous! :)

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