Thank you all for your comments yesterday. You have no idea how they have lifted my spirits…your stories about nausea free pregnancies and your prayers, man. They were a great remedy for my fear. You seem to only hear about the pregnancies that are bad, but I guess that’s just because we like to complain, huh? ;) I still am a numbers girl though and man, when I think about that 18, I get freaked out and its hard to breathe. My progestrone hasn’t been that low in a while. It was ~30 the two months on HCG, so those numbers are messing with me too. Oh Lord. Nothing I can do now.
I forgot to mention that earlier this week I had a dream I had a miscarriage. Super vivid. In my dream I was ready for it though, the miscarriage. I have been feeling like I’m looking for my period for the past 5 weeks now, so I guess in my dream I just expected it. “Here it comes!” Oh man. Let that just stay a dream.
Oh yes, and I tried to call the doctor yesterday and see if there was just any way they could pretty pretty please squeeze me in and see me any earlier than next Friday? Of course they are absolutely booked until then. He said if I want to say I have cramping I can just go to the ER. I won’t be doing that.
I know its not an ultrasound I want though, I just want to know that everything is going to be OK. I want to know that I get to stay in this amazing land and continue on my journey to Planet pregnancy (I think I won’t be there until I see the baby…or I see a bump…I don’t know at what point it becomes ‘real’) and one day I’ll get to hold this little baby that I still can’t wrap my head around but is apparently in my belly?
And I know that an ultrasound won’t give me that, not really. Maybe it will make me feel better for the moment (or it will confirm what’s happened) but it probably won’t last much longer after that. I’ll still always have to wonder if everything is going OK in there.
So, I guess its my lot to have this wait. To just, walk it by faith this next week. That’s what I need more of anyway.
Now for a total switch….I heard on the radio today that unemployment is 12.5% in LA now and rising. I feel even more fortunate to have landed this job (I just completed my first month), even though the timing of it all is pretty amazing.
It does cross my mind that I like my job so much more because I know that I’m pregnant. Isn’t that ridiculous?
Ok, back to the topic….As hard as this has been (and as hard as I just cried realizing my progesterone is still zone 2), this ‘suffering’ is so much different than sub-fertility. That felt like being led blind in the dark, true physical and emotional suffering and isolation. This feels like, “Here’s this amazing blessing you could never have deserved, but wait…Why are you freaking out now??? Just be patient there is an end in sight, weirdo! Just have a little trust!” (Yes, God calls me a weirdo in my inner monologues)
The joy I’ve felt this past month has been amazing…joy I didn’t know I was even capable of still feeling. Even though there has been worry and anxiety as well, its totally different than having so little to grasp at and to just know that whatever happens, this has happened, has been incredible. I just wanted to make that clear, in case I was sounding whiny. Its just that the worry of being a mom and totally set it.
And that’s a new, terrifying game in its own right.
Never have I appreciated the weekends more than now that I’m working. Hallelujah its Friday. (Plus that means, only 1 more week!)
Please go for more quick takes at Jen’s. And have a great weekend :)