Its so much easier to stop asking why when you’re content with the answer. But I keep asking myself Why? Why now? Why did I get pregnant this month and not any of the ones before? But I realize for as much as I want to know and to understand, I’ll probably never have these answers. Just as I never had the answer to my previous question, Why not? Only thing is, this is a lot easier of an answer to live with than Why not?
But I guess just for a little exercise, I’ll throw some things out here. There were so many reasons I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant.
I scheduled work to start after I got my period.
I scheduled to see my friend’s new baby for the few days before I was supposed to get my period. I am strong, but I know my limits.
I had a negative pregnancy test on P+12. DESPITE being on HCG.
I had cramps. My period was coming and it felt just like it felt when it was always coming.
I didn’t finish my HCG dose because I ran out. When I talked to the pharmacy I just said, screw it and had them send it but not rush it because surely I’d need it for next month or the one after.
We got in a huge discussion on Thursday (P+14?) about how I needed to go to this Christian support group I had found that met the following Tuesday (even though we had a conflict and it would take us over an hour to get there in the LA traffic) and even if all of them were doing IVF it would still mean more to me than sitting in my house by myself and not knowing anyone in real life going through the same thing because I was so lonely. My husband was supportive and I was looking forward to going.
Of course, I guess there are a few things that make sense…
My husband had almost finished 3 months of Proxeed.
This was my third cycle after the surgery, 1st full cycle after we both finished the antibiotics. (Probably the most convincing reason)
I was super emotional on the day I should have gotten my period. Usually this happens a week before, but the few days before I’m stable. Was totally not stable that day. I was acting like I was on HCG…hm…
Third month of my anti-inflammation diet. (Less convinced this did it, although who knows. I did cheat the day after I ovulated, had a pretzel, and texted my husband, “Im eating this pretzel because I want it. If I don’t get pregnant because I ate a pretzel, I don’t deserve a baby.” So, as if there was any doubt, I really don’t deserve this baby.)
My husband had been going to daily mass and told me over the summer he started praying specifically for a baby. This was a change and something that we used to disagree on, i.e., can you ask God for something you want specifically or should you always just pray for acceptance of God’s will.
Prayer buddies, anyone?
So, I don’t know. I wish I knew why. Of course I wish I knew why. The line that kept in my head is “God never gives us more than we can handle” and I feel like I got off easy. Yes, I know I got off easy. But I also feel like I was at the end of my rope in some ways. The fact that we got pregnant makes me think, maybe I really was. And that’s scary. But who knows, if I would have gotten my period, I would had to have kept trucking along. What other choice is there?
I wish I knew why so many women have to wait and wait despite wanting to be mothers all their life. And I wish I knew why some women just decide one day to try for another and get pregnant immediately. And most of all, I wish I knew why people who subsist on cereal and Dr. Pepper get pregnant right away while other eating organically and living super healthy don’t get pregnant ever.
I do know that one day this will all be revealed to us. So I had better get good at waiting. And keep praying for those whose time of waiting isn’t as exciting as this time of waiting.