Understanding why

Its so much easier to stop asking why when you’re content with the answer.  But I keep asking myself WhyWhy now Why did I get pregnant this month and not any of the ones before?  But I realize for as much as I want to know and to understand, I’ll probably never have these answers.  Just as I never had the answer to my previous question, Why not?  Only thing is, this is a lot easier of an answer to live with than Why not?

But I guess just for a little exercise, I’ll throw some things out here.  There were so many reasons I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant.

I scheduled work to start after I got my period.

I scheduled to see my friend’s new baby for the few days before I was supposed to get my period.  I am strong, but I know my limits.

I had a negative pregnancy test on P+12. DESPITE being on HCG.

I had cramps.  My period was coming and it felt just like it felt when it was always coming.

I didn’t finish my HCG dose because I ran out.  When I talked to the pharmacy  I just said, screw it and had them send it but not rush it because surely I’d need it for next month or the one after.

We got in a huge discussion on Thursday (P+14?) about how I needed to go to this Christian support group I had found that met the following Tuesday (even though we had a conflict and it would take us over an hour to get there in the LA traffic) and even if all of them were doing IVF it would still mean more to me than sitting in my house by myself and not knowing anyone in real life going through the same thing because I was so lonely.  My husband was supportive and I was looking forward to going.

 

Of course, I guess there are a few things that make sense…

 

My husband had almost finished 3 months of Proxeed.

This was my third cycle after the surgery, 1st full cycle after we both finished the antibiotics. (Probably the most convincing reason)

I was super emotional on the day I should have gotten my period.  Usually this happens a week before, but the few days before I’m stable.  Was totally not stable that day.  I was acting like I was on HCG…hm…

Third month of my anti-inflammation diet.  (Less convinced this did it, although who knows.  I did cheat the day after I ovulated, had a pretzel, and texted my husband, “Im eating this pretzel because I want it.  If I don’t get pregnant because I ate a pretzel, I don’t deserve a baby.”  So, as if there was any doubt, I really don’t deserve this baby.)

My husband had been going to daily mass and told me over the summer he started praying specifically for a baby.  This was a change and something that we used to disagree on, i.e., can you ask God for something you want specifically or should you always just pray for acceptance of God’s will.

Prayer buddies, anyone?

 

So, I don’t know.  I wish I knew why.  Of course I wish I knew why.  The line that kept in my head is “God never gives us more than we can handle” and I feel like I got off easy.  Yes, I know I got off easy.  But I also feel like I was at the end of my rope in some ways.  The fact that we got pregnant makes me think, maybe I really was.  And that’s scary.   But who knows, if I would have gotten my period, I would had to have kept trucking along.  What other choice is there?

I wish I knew why so many women have to wait and wait despite wanting to be mothers all their life.  And I wish I knew why some women just decide one day to try for another and get pregnant immediately.  And most of all, I wish I knew why people who subsist on cereal and Dr. Pepper get pregnant right away while other eating organically and living super healthy don’t get pregnant ever.

I do know that one day this will all be revealed to us.  So I had better get good at waiting.  And keep praying for those whose time of waiting isn’t as exciting as this time of waiting.

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9 thoughts on “Understanding why

  1. Love this post! Are you enjoying the ride yet? Is your pregnancy sinking in yet?

    Someone else posted about Prayer Buddies recently, and I started thinking about all of the pregnancies that have come as a result of Advent and Lent Prayer Buddies in the past, so I guess we should have expected the same would be true for Summer Prayer Buddies. I was expecting a surge of pregnancies this time, I just never thought I would be included in that. I’m sure you would say the same.

    Take care my pregnant friend!

  2. Good post. You’re right- the answer isn’t for us to know, or to figure out, here and now.
    I maintain that God has always known WHEN for each and every one of us (even if that WHEN ends up being the end of days) – and yes, some things we do may help to put things in place and help our bodies work a bit better, but it still will happen when it was meant to happen all along, not “because” we did x, y, or z ;)

  3. Why, indeed? I’m so glad that it’s such a joyful “why” at this point. I think that asking why can be a good thing, and seeking answers can be a good thing, but when it really comes down to it, I don’t think we can fully understand why. Sometimes all we can do is be thankful for God’s amazing gifts.

  4. Am with you on this one -understanding why is one of the biggest pet peeves of my spiritual life – there is a reason the church classifies some things as sacred mystery i guess …..

    This stood out for me in your post

    “My husband had been going to daily mass and told me over the summer he started praying specifically for a baby. ”

    because i had just read this bit of scripture last week

    ” Genesis 25:21 (Genesis 25)
    And Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived. “

  5. When the baby gets here you will never understand why you thought you were worthy enough to pray for such a blessing in the first place…

    :) That is how I feel anyway….(and I mean that not to be rude, but I used YOU instead of I because it sounds better, get me?) :)

  6. I completely agree with Sew. And because of that I feel completely incapable of praying for more children. I’ve been beyond blessed with what I have. I have more love to share with more children, and I’d love our family to grow … but I can’t ask for more. It feels so wrong.

    But your post applies to so much more than just IF. Why are some people killed in burning buildings, and some people escape? Why are some people alone, and some people meet their soul mate in high school? Why does a car crash spare the drunk driver, but kill the innocent family? Why do some people have disabling illness that affects everyday, and some people never have more than a cold?

    It’s crazy, really. And those of us that are blessed are no better than those that are not. It’s humbling.

  7. I thought the same thing with the recent pregnancy announcement- Summer Prayer Buddies!! These prayer buddies are powerful!!!

    I conceived too- 3 months after surgery and after 4 months of antibodics!

    I am so happy for you!!!! Congrats again!!

  8. Pingback: The first picture of “us” « Matching Moonheads

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