Continuous disbelief

Thank you so, so much for all of your comments.  Your support for us on this journey has been astounding and although I know for many of you that announcement may have come with its own set of other reactions, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts in spite of that.  Your prayers mean to the world to me and as I have always been better about praying for other people, I continue to keep you all in my prayers as well.  Special thanks to my prayer buddy out there who must be working overtime…!!

It hasn’t gone away.  The disbelief.  Will it ever?  My prayers for myself are now to keep my baby safe and with us as long as possible and for me to never take this for granted.  This miracle.

I wasn’t able to do the blood draw the other day (long waits, work hours, and same clinic problems as last time – I didn’t realize that PPVI wanted to run it themselves) so I had to wait for today.  Only it wasn’t a blood draw, just another stick.  I found out through my new insurance I have to confirm the pregnancy before they’ll allow me to see a doctor anyway.  So I went in first thing in the morning and had to do another pregnancy test.  I was so excited and happy and the nurse was deadpan.

“If the pregnancy test says ‘yes’ is that good news?”

Yes, of course!  Wait, how else is that question answered? 

Immediately my heart sunk as I remembered in our insurance plan book we got this summer than said explicitly stated that abortions only require a co-pay of $15.  And then I thought of the search engine hits “why can’t I be infertile” that lead to this blog.  Yes, this is a very, very welcome miracle.  It breaks my heart that those other couples I saw in the waiting room might not have been so excited at the results of their test.

I finished the paperwork and like any good, fiesty PPVI patient I ran the meeting in order to figure out how I can still do my labs and  showed how informed I was (although when she asked me about where I wanted to deliver and I just blinked.  Birth?? I just want to get through the first trimester!  That probably made me look silly but seriously, I’m still trying to process what happened, lady!).

After finally realizing all it took to get her for us, at the end of the meeting she shook my hand, looked me in the eye and said “Congratulations”.  I teared up and ran out to compose myself.

But that was nothing compared to when I got down to my car and saw that they materials she gave me said things about “my baby” and its growth, etc.  My baby.  I lost it.  I was the weird girl crying tears of joy in the parking lot because it said my baby.

I wish that everyone could have tears of joy after seeing a pregnancy test.

I did nothing to deserve this miracle.  So many have suffered longer and better.  So, so, humbling.  Like I said, continuous disbelief.


19 thoughts on “Continuous disbelief

  1. Posting on phone awkward at best but if I don’t was afraid more time will pass without me sharing my complete and total joy for you! This is the 2nd time in a week your post brings me tears of joy. The reaction you are having brings back memories for sure. I love your approach to this pregnancy, it is perfect. Much love and prayers coming from this direction for you, dh, and your precious unique child! I have goosebumps just typing this!

  2. How exciting!!! For me, the disbeief is still there…it’s just so amazing that I can’t put into words how I feel, just so greatful. I find myself smiling more out of nowhere and I’m sure you will too. I’m just so happy for you, God bless!

  3. Congratulations again! And let me say…the disbelief was there for me every time I got a positive pregnancy test. it really truly is a miracle. It’s something way bigger than any one or two people… That’s just the way God works for some things.

    Congratulations, Congratulations!!! Prayers for you! God bless you!

  4. I think the disbelief never goes away.. I have not been waiting too long,not even a full year, yet that wait had a long lasting effect on me..
    I still am amazed that we actually have a little toddler sleeping in his bed.. it’s so unreal..
    I have a friend who waited 3 years for her first, and then had 3 girls in 3 years, and yet she still have this feeling of being subfertile.

    I think it can turn into deep appreciation over time.

    I’m pregnant again and yet it still doesn’t compute.. I don’t really believe it yet (I’m in the second trimester now!). I’m just taking it one day at a time. Being thankful and we’ll see how it goes. ;)

  5. The disbelief is still here for me! The whole pregnancy you’ll have those “my baby” moments. And even once the baby arrives! It’s just very surreal.

    I’m so happy for you!!!!!

  6. :) :) :)

    Oh, and did you see/hear – Beyonce is pregnant too! (I immediately thought of your post about her interview reply ‘Only God Knows’ when I heard it.)

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