I pushed play, He pushed fast forward

I had planned on writing about how my first days of school work went this week (its going well, in case you’re interested) or maybe publishing one of the half posts that I had started this summer and never finished, but then something else happened.

Starting with the number 18.

Peak + 18.

I’ve gotten to 17 before, a few times.  But then reality always comes back, in the form of blood.

Crushing.

Saturday I started to have hope, maybe it was possible.  I knew as soon as I thought about it I’d get my period, because that’s what happens.  But I went there, because I needed that hope.  It had been so long since I even felt a little hope of pregnancy, especially these last few weeks.  The disappointment would be worth those few  moments of hope.

But I had never reached day 18 before.

This is what 18 looks like.

I still can’t believe it.  I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  For someone to jump out from behind the wall and yell “Gotcha!” but then this.  I didn’t know these things came in positives.  One day I was preparing for the worst, scheduling my start date around my period, and the next I’m pregnant.  How can things change so quickly and yet still so slowly?  It would have been two years next month.  Two years of beautiful cycles and still nothing.

I’ve been waking up at night suddenly and then I stop, smile, and go back to sleep.  I remind myself, I am still pregnant and I enjoy the moment.  This is not a dream.  Lately, I couldn’t even dream dreams this good.

I’m pregnant.

Those words still don’t feel right together but there they are.  I get my blood test tomorrow.  It is early and if there is anything that sub/infertility has taught me its that a baby is the goal and pregnancy is only step 1, so please pray with me that we get to hold this little one on earth.

Praise be to God.

*If you know me in real life, I still appreciate your prayers but lets keep this between us only!  We will wait to tell the rest of the world in time. 

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60 thoughts on “I pushed play, He pushed fast forward

  1. Oh my gosh!!! I’m so excited for you!!! I want to jump up and down and run around with the sudden burst of energy and excitement I have after reading this post. Yay for God’s fast forward!!! Praying for good numbers from your blood test tomorrow and a healthy 9 months.

  2. I have nothing new to say – just more JOY and CONGRATULATIONS!!! And prayers – many many many prayers for a healthy pregnancy and baby Moonhead (maybe I should pray that baby doesn’t have a moonhead – ha!).

    :-D!!!!!!

  3. Estoy tan pero tan feliz por ustedes!!!! Señora de Guadalupe muchisimas gracias y manten este bebe bajo tu cuidado y protección, a sus padres cerca de tu hijo.

  4. Oh my goodness!!!! What an amazing surprise!!! I’m praying for you that all your numbers look great!!! In the meantime-enjoy pretty mama, you’re PREGNANT!!!! :):):)

  5. AHHHHHHH, such great news!!! This totally has made my morning! I too saw the title of the post and was hoping this is what it was about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited I could just keep typing exclamation points. Grow, Baby, Grow!!!!!!!! Keep us posted. Praise God!!!

  6. Congrats!!! I’m all teary eyed at work now!! What a blessing…I’ve been praying and praying for this miricle for you!!! God bless you and this little one!!

  7. Congratulations! How you felt about the hope is exactly hoe I felt the cycle I got pregnant. Such wonderful news and I’ll keep praying that your little one arrives safely.

  8. oh my gosh!! i am not a blogger… just a blog stalker (who has also had subfertility problems) and i have LOVED reading your blog. and, i want you to know that i am tearing up out of joy because i am so happy and excited for you!! i have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you and your baby…. grow little one grow!! i can’t wait to follow your story of pregnancy and motherhood!!

  9. I usually don’t comment because I don’t know what to say, but just wanted to let you know that we have been keeping you in our prayers, and your post brought tears to my eyes. God is Good! Lots of love and we’ll continue to pray for you and your baby :-).

  10. OMG i’m crying (hormones probably) I have been praying so much for you lately. I know I haven’t posted much at all but my heart just breaks about subfertile couples, and that post you wrote about your husband telling you what superheroes you are.. :’)
    I am really in tears of joy.. Lots of prayers for you that you may find peace of mind and not fear to loose the baby.. Fear is useless. Hope and joy, all the way!! :) :)

  11. Oh my goodness!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! So happy for you! (And here I was thinking that your post title had something to do with the TV remote!)

  12. I’ve been following your blog for a little while (I found it via Kathleen at Project M) because I am also Christian in the throes of subfertility – thanks for sharing your heart, it has helped me with my own journey. Inspired by you, I bought myself flowers for the first time this week. :)

    I am so so so so SO happy to hear your wonderful, long-awaited news!!! Amazing!! His timing IS perfect. Praying you and your husband will be holding your beautiful, healthy little baby some nine months from now.

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