I bought flowers for myself for the first time after the other day.
Can you see the pink water? I think regular sunflowers would have been a little more cheery (these look a little bloody/Halloween-ish…) but at least I get bonus pink water to look at as well.
And I’ve cried more this week than I have in the last 8 months probably. Good, hard cries that just needed to come out. I’ve just been trying to ‘be ok’ with everything and I just really needed a honest moment with God. And my husband. Thankfully, both were in a listening mode.
Today I’m taking a solo beach day as my ‘last day of freedom’ before work starts on Monday (because we have other things to do this weekend, including a ‘blind date’ with some NFP teachers I found!). Did I mention I got a job? Well, I got a job. Three months ago the idea of getting a job gave me such anxiety, like I was choosing to be a childless couple by getting a job. Like I was proving I was an unfit mother and I was sealing my fate if I chose to work instead of diving 100% into making a baby and doing all I could, 24/7. But who am I kidding, its not my choice and it never has been. I’m just trying to play the hand I was given. Sometimes you have to protect what sanity you have and I
think know this will help me do so.
As time has gone on, I have been able to just focus on the positive of working. Like, this will give us a chance to pay off student loans faster and save up for adoption quicker. It will give me something productive to do instead of sitting around, reading blogs and getting sad (As much as it helps me, sometimes I can get sucked in too much and out-stay my welcome). And I’m using what I went to school for so long in at an amazing opportunity and company that has a position that seemed to be tailor made just for me. Do I really not take it because of what might happen but still hasn’t happened for the last two years? I feel like I’m choosing to press ‘play’. Not the ‘play’ I imagined but still, a story is unfolding anyway and its ours.
I met a woman through this volunteer thing I’m doing that was also looking for work. She had asked if I really needed a job and I was honest with her. We didn’t need the job in the financial sense and I had been considering a myriad of other opportunities including doing NFP stuff more full time or going back to school (shh…). That was probably a bratty thing to be honest about because it turns out she’d been out of work for 16 months and had two kids. ‘Do you have any kids?’ No. She still offered to help me since she knows an engineering head hunter. She emailed this past week to get my resume and I had to tell her thanks, but I found a job. I told her there had been many things we’ve been dealing with lately so this looks like a turn for the positive and that I hope she found work too. She wrote me back with a really short email that said she was happy for me. That was it. I knew it was forced and she probably was thinking in her head, That girl didn’t even want a job and here I’ve been looking for over a year and I can’t find one. That perspective is all too familiar to me. How do these people get pregnant so easily when they don’t even want more kids? So I realize I have something good here. Its a good thing to have employment and its something a lot of people want/need. I am grateful. This is a good thing for us. (Incidentally, apparently its also a good thing to have an engineering background, as those jobs seem to have less people qualified to take them).
I had more to say but I don’t feel coherent. One thing I worry about is that I’ve been feeling so, so exhausted lately and really dizzy and lighted as well more frequently this week. I don’t feel like myself. I’ve been on my diet for 3 months now, so I really don’t think its a nutritional thing, but maybe related to the parlodel or T3 I’ve been taking this month? Maybe I just keep standing up too fast.
Either way, beach day today and work on Monday. I’m not letting comparison steal my joy! (Thanks Faith!)