Its been two weeks since my lap in Omaha. I’m still not sure how I feel.
Physically, I’m almost back to ‘normal’. My scars are still a little swollen and crusty and if I do too much bending over, reaching, or wearing a belt (my first time yesterday), it lets me know it. The bloating is gone and so is any semblance I had to a woman with child. I’m very grateful I went to Omaha and was able to cross off some structural issues from the list of why we’re not getting pregnant, but at the same time I look at what we’re left with and scratch my head when I think about what direction we go.
Emotionally, I’m wrestling trying to figure out where I am. Because we didn’t get bad news, necessarily, I feel like my innate reaction should be one of happiness or relief. I hate that I’m back to my ‘normal’ feelings of bitterness and anger.
We had a lot of time to talk in the car ride out here after the surgery. Regarding our fertility, we talked about how long do we ‘actively try’ using treatment, about adoption, and about my job situation. But one thing I really wanted to talk about was who I’m becoming.
Of all the undesirable outcomes of sub-fertility, the thing I hate probably the most is who its turning me into. Which seems silly to say, since this is my life. Its like saying “I hate how my life is affecting my life”. No one wants to be that person who faces adversity, crumples down, cries and gives up. The American dream is to overcome bad times, strong face forward and rise above the challenge! But what I’ve realized that even if you’re trying to do that, even in facing the hard facts, you’re forever changed.
I’ve read about formerly “infertile” women who after they get pregnant write about still having this same feeling of resentment and anger towards the world. And while it used to bug the heck out of me, I guess maybe I finally understand where they’re coming from. After years of practicing anger and resentment, that doesn’t just go away. It literally affects how you see the world and it molds you into a different person.
And what I hate more than the fact that I have no child in my arms is that I feel myself changing into an angry and bitter person. Because I’m moving further and further away from my goal of serving God. So much lately my first reaction to something is just, anger. I have not found a good way to stop it. The only reason I hate that more is that I know if I were to ever become a mother, I’d carry those same qualities with me. I don’t want to be that person, Lord.
And then I think about how silly it is to think that I, of all the people in the world, can be given this cross and handle it gracefully.
“There are three things that are never satisfied,
four that never say, ‘Enough!’:
the grave, the barren womb,
land, which is never satisfied with water,
and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’
I cannot change the fact that this is where you want me, Lord. But, oh Lord please, protect me from changing into this bitter woman who only sees the negativity in life. I know there is so much good in this world. Help me to see it and be a part of it.