Blindsided

What do you get when you mix no sleep, health crisis, and last minute major revisions to your thesis that your adviser decides to make a week before you defend?  With “small calculations that will take no time at all”?  Oh right, a semi-meltdown that looks like this.

At least, that’s what I’d like to completely blame it on.

In reality I think its also that I’ve been so good at compartmentalizing lately that I almost, quite literally, forgot that this entire world exists that, oh yeah, I have absolutely no part of and will not for the foreseeable future.  Yes, I mean the world of motherhood.  For a minute there I think I was tricking myself into thinking that I’m just a normal girl, graduating, moving and looking for a job while I postpone having children because I’m working on my career.

And then, bam.  I’m blindsided by my blog reader and jolted out of my carefully constructed – with good reason – world of caring only about graduating.

Sigh.

If it wasn’t a blog it would have been something else.  Blogging really isn’t the problem.

This is just the sub/infertile life.

Why do I keep forgetting that?

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24 thoughts on “Blindsided

  1. I know what you mean. Triggers are everywhere! Good luck with everything, and I’ll be praying for you as go through all of this and defend your thesis!!

  2. I know the feeling. If it’s not the blogs, it’s a family of eight in the pew in front of us at church. The millionth pregnancy announcement on facebook. The friend who grows distant because suddenly all she can talk about is sleep schedules and baby spit up and what kind of diaper rash cream to buy. The billboard for the new maternity center I might never, ever visit. We build our worlds so carefully, so diligently…but it takes only the smallest wisp of wind to blow them down.

    • depressing but just the dose of reality i needed to properly direct my frustration, which should NOT be at the blog world who is largely undergoing the same challenges.

  3. I feel like I’m reminded all the time about my IF (like last night at dinner with our friends we were one of two couples that are childless, I was so sick of hearing about hockey and trips to Disney by the end of it!).

    You’re definitely not alone!

    • its easier for me when its a personal face of friends I knew before children, but yes, reminders are everywhere, EXCEPT in my lab cube by myself where i’ve been spending the majority of my time :) ha!

  4. I think there is a weird cycle that occurs in blogworld. One where everyone is “happy” and when I say happy, I mean we all discuss “other” things besides our infertility/subfertility (in other words, we try to act normal). Denial. Then someone will be “blessed” (usually more than one person – this stuff comes in pairs) and *bam* – a reminder that we are still, not. The cycle continues with blogger depression, contemplation on what to post and how to comment, meer avoidance (yet we still torture ourselves and read), then somehow there is a glimmer (usually because we see that other non-blessed women are feeling blogger-depressed at the same time) and this gives us hope because we are “still” not alone, and again, we become “happy.” Brutal, I know. I’ve been taking a break myself, yet, like a bad car accident, I log on and look. (My apologies for my incredibly bitter comment. There is humor in there…somewhere).

    You have a lot going on with your thesis, and now health issues. I’m praying for you!

    • I totally agree there is probably a cycle, but I feel largely removed from it since I’ve only been looking at blogs but two days a week. I think my larger problem was just a smash back to reality since the blog world is the only place that my sub-fertility is discussed in my life and I had been ignoring it.

  5. Speaking as one who struggles immensely with “comparing my yard to everyone else’s”, I hear you. I don’t know if the answer is to block everything out but there have been times when I’ve limited contact and really “dug into” my world, and I think that has helped in a healthy way especially considering my “other yard” issue tends to steal a lot from my own life. Also, I love that old teaching that serving others helps put things in perspective (this is NOT to say you are somehow being selfish… I used to get so mad when people would imply that lol), but sometimes I really just need a phase of “pouring out” into others around me, perhaps even in a new way from my “usual” involvements. This doesn’t replace the good desire to be a mom, but at least fights back the sinking feeling I have sometimes that my life lacks meaning or purpose.

    Good luck on your thesis… I am super impressed you are finishing. This is a huge accomplishment! :-D

    • Its funny because the other day when you wrote this comment and I got the email notification I had actually JUST been looking at volunteer stuff in the new city we’re moving to! Great minds think alike! I cannot wait to move if not for the reason you just mentioned.

  6. Semi-meltdowns are okay because sub-fertility isn’t pretty. God knows I’ve had a few of my own.

    Maybe a blog fast is what you need? Or just blog on your own site for a while without looking at other blogs. Do what you need to do that will be the best thing for you. Like my therapist said, “It’s not selfish, it’s self preservation.”

    Prayers and hugs!!!

  7. Thesis writing should contribute to purgatory seriously !!!
    I REMEMBER FEELING like a zombie doing mine – could not tell the days of the week and long 18 hour days did not help the situation so hugs – you are going to make it through this

  8. Pingback: The Humility of Sub-fertility « Matching Moonheads

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