It’s not you, it’s me.

Blog fast is going great.  Too great.  Sorry I’m not more descriptive, but my mind feels like a cross between a mushy melon and an intensely focused targeting machine, zero-ing in on random points and moving on to the next.  And I’m aware that probably made no sense.

This post is not going as planned.

I’ve just now made the connection that I wait and wait for the weekend to come so I can read blogs, but with each week comes less and less earnestness.  I am excited to read the blogs and updates but I feel oddly hollow after reading the newest posts (pretty please don’t take that as an insult, internet.  this is an analysis of myself).  Maybe I just build it up too much.  I’m “that person” who does the same thing with my birthday.  But then, more recently I’ve realized that its not just emptiness but sadness associated with blog reading.  Akin to a depressive feeling.

Simply put, blog reading does not give me feelings of happiness.  Granted, we don’t just do things to make us happy, but there should be some benefit to them, right? And there have been many a time where thoughtful comments have pulled me out of a deep funk.  But I wonder if its really more of a “fix” than a need.  Pregnancy or mommy blogs point to a different life that is quickly leaving (left?) my frame of reference for the foreseeable future.  Infertility blogs, well, they make me sad too.  Looking at something I might never have just teases me but then reading posts about how sad I am because I’ll never have it just makes me more depressed.

I just want to forget it all already!  Is escape ever really an option?

I’m realizing that my life focused on everything but things related to kids right now is busy and stressful and exciting and so, so refreshing.

Perhaps the only way to have peace with my own yard is to just stop staring at the neighbor’s.  Completely.  Both the kept and the unkempt ones.

Of course there’s no way to do that.  And it feels like cheating. I can’t just ignore the world forever, can I?  But maybe it really is the best solution.

Maybe its just a bad day.

The thing is though, it was going perfectly fine until I checked my blog reader.

You learn a lot on a blog fast.

This was probably one of those brutally honest posts that I should have just kept to myself, because if I really found this whole online blog world uninteresting, well then what’s the point of posting to tell you that?  And I realize I just ran off the whole world, but I completely understand. I would probably stop reading a blog that is slowly imploding, too.

13 thoughts on “It’s not you, it’s me.

  1. Well, I am not going anywhere and no, I am not just sticking around to see the whole “implosion”. I don’t think of it as an implosion at all – you write with grace, beauty, humor, and honesty – that is INSPIRING. If are finding refreshment elsewhere, I say go for it! God is good and he puts people in our lives at certain points for a reason and as things go – relationships – IRL and cyber go through changes and that is not a bad thing (and I know you know of all of this…but I am tired and I can’t think of anything eloquent to say, but I am trying – I am sorry for rambling!).

    In any event goodnight A and I hope you have a great weekend! God Bless!

  2. I agree….I totally agree…..I spend too much time on the blogs and I check constantly. I’m not sure why because at times I feel empty too and as if they suck the life out of me…I so get it….

    • the impulsive checking is what i’m trying to weed out by the blog fast and not the relationships. but like you said, the two sometimes go hand in hand…

  3. I’ve been in a similar place myself, so I for one am not insulted . . . just sad and empathetic. I think it’s fair to take a blog break, and also to take some time to focus on yourself and find out how you can find happiness.

    Virtual hugs and tears.

  4. I can totally relate and I have heard many others say the exact same thing. It can be too much sometimes – reading about everyone’s suffering, and even their blessings – especially when I was in the midst of infertility. And even now, being one of the mommy blogs, I still find it to be overwhelming. I’m always comparing myself to others and am often left feeling pretty rotten about myself. Definitely not a relaxing pasttime! Haha. But Sew’s right.. it’s a tough one because I love these women and the blogs have gotten be through some pretty tough times. I guess everything in moderation. And breaks are good!

  5. Pingback: Blindsided « Matching Moonheads

  6. Just saw this after a weekend offline and want to laugh as it is yet more proof of how very similar and different we are. I’ve been sitting on a post with a draft title of something like “X reasons not to spend your time reading blogs.” So anyway, this whole thing resonated with me and seemed so commonsense and factual that I was surprised by your disclaimer of sorts at the end.

    So all I can say is to carry on with whatever works for you on any given day. And know that for the days when bashing the blog-world to the blog-world is what works, I’ll be here cheering for you. And when you need to disappear, well obviously I’ll have to support that too! :-)

    • I put that disclaimer because if I read a post talking about how blog posts were pointless and hurting others, well then I’d be the first to call out “hypocrite!” as what screams hypocrite more than writing a pointless post using the same medium you’re bashing? Or at least that’s how I see it. I guess the disclaimer points to an impulsive post, otherwise I would have just kept it to myself and gone about my business. Day to day approach is probably a solid one.

  7. Yep. I took a lenten fast off of facebook and blog reading, only coming back on Sundays. Facebook was wonderful to return to, actually. I would pick back up a few conversations with friends, read a few status updates, and then it was done. Blogs drained me. I still finding bloging therapeutic when I don’t obsess over it, and I love to read my friend’s blogs. But… when my blog reader has become ridiculously full over the years. As I return to blog reading this week I am strongly purging anything that isn’t helpful or is just extraneous. We’ll see how it goes from here.

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