So I’m following my own advice and writing about a happy moment that happened almost right after I wrote that post yesterday.
I didn’t cry.
Maybe that doesn’t sound happy, but it was a big victory for me.
I didn’t cry while telling friends from another lab about our sub-fertility.
This is improvement! Or maybe proof that the hype up is worse than the actual event. Or proof that the angst is in getting comments, which usually happens when you tell moms or other people that like to give advice on child-rearing.
Lunch with another married graduate student and another girl from his lab.
“We’re going to start trying after graduation” I knew this. They have been telling everyone this plan for almost a year now. We are always quiet and smile and nod when this comes up. But this time he followed up, “Do you want kids after graduation?”
Umm, yes. Its just not always that simple.
“Well, of course. But I mean…”
The whole conversation took me by surprise so there was really no way to respond when the girl continued “Why the hesitation. Wait, are you pregnant? Are you going to try to get pregnant? Wait, are you trying now??!” with anything but the truth. But it came out easily. Matter of fact.
Yes, we are trying now. We have been for quite a while.
And I picked up and continued the conversation to drown out the expected silence. I think it helped that I wasn’t looking for consolation from them, like I have from other people. I think it helped that they didn’t have the experience of parenthood to make them feel like experts in the matter. It felt more like it was an exercise in sub/infertility awareness. Hey, it doesn’t always happen like you plan it. While everyone is concerned with not getting pregnant, its not always as easy at it seems.
My husband says I’m evolving. Ha!
Anyways, it was a small victory.
I think my happy moments look different now.