Only a matter of time

I was ecstatic when I found out in December that A Complicated Life was chosen by a birth mother to adopt a baby.  My mouth dropped to the floor when I found out another month later that the adoption was dissolved because she was pregnant.

After how many years?  Nothing short of a miracle.

What was my husband’s response, when I told him what had transpired?

When are you going to realize its only a matter of time?

I had no response.

The month went on to reveal that both girls that I have been in more personal contact with over these last months, and who have been trying for the same amounts of time as I have, are also pregnant.  Women who would help me get through those particularly hard months through lovely emails of understanding.  I selfishly wonder what I’ll do without them.  The latter woman just started her own blog and I was all prepared to announce her publicly, in order to get her a nice friendly welcome :)  It turned out she’s now accompanied by a tiny little growing baby as well, so please go say hi to Katie still!

So, when am I going to realize that it’s only a matter of time? My husband is the one that famously said, the more time that goes by, the closer we are to our family!  Huh?  My head wants to know this and I guess some days I do.  I know it, that’s why I try to use the word sub-fertility, even when my heart screams No its impossible, you will never get pregnant, because I know that it is still possible. I know eventually a day will come when this will all seem like the distant past, whether through birth/foster care/adoption we will have our family or our understanding of what else we will do and we will know with certainty that it was only a matter of time.  Because that time will have passed.  It will kind of be like cheating, ha!

But now, that is not what I feel.  My emotions follow hope up and down on a roller coaster to the point where they can’t tell which way was up and what direction I should be facing.  What I feel after a failed month is that I am foolish for hoping, for believing that I could do the same thing and expect an entirely different result.

I often find it funny that I was given this cross of ‘difficult feelings’, something that I’ve more recently tried to discount and run away from in my adult years.  Reason and rationality are the things that make this world go around, that make results appear in the world.  Emotions are the things of little girls and silly women, that made me cry when my siblings would taunt me and that made my college roommates pine after boys that would never love them.  Reactions that perpetuated endless teasing, foolishness and false hope.  Feelings aren’t based in truth, but in subjectivity by design.  But adults, they are beyond feelings.  I was once (still am?) the harshest critic of someone who didn’t feel like doing something.  Buck up, do it anyway. Feelings are that, abstract and clearly not necessarily based in reality nor truth.  I didn’t understand these feelings that could be so paralyzing, so all consuming.

I do now.  I guess I now understand what I dished out against, even if I only ever thought those things.  It comes full circle.  But just because I have these feelings, I still know it doesn’t make them right.  Perhaps this is why this is so hard for me.  I’m still fighting the reality of what I’ve become.

And now I’m trying hard to discount my own feelings, to push them down and out when they’re bursting at my seams, begging from some release.  To have my head understand and rule my thoughts over my heart’s fickleness.

And to truly know and believe with my whole being that it is only a matter of time.

Even if I know half the time, its that other half that always gets me. 

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24 thoughts on “Only a matter of time

  1. Even though I am “on the other side” so to speak, I remember feeling this way. Eric used to say similar things, and even though I knew he was right, I still wanted to slap him.

    Hold onto that hope! Praying for you guys. :)

  2. My husband always said those things. Guys can be so optimistic! Well, or maybe it’s actually that they’re being realistic.

    I still need to reply to your other post by the way, and I will!

  3. I hate the waiting game. On the one hand, I feel like anything could happen at any moment. Then I also feel equally as strongly that nothing will ever happen. I feel you on the roller coaster! Now, if someone would just let me off before I puke…

  4. Waiting is so hard for those of us who like to plan. It is a true lesson in humility for me as God reminds me over and over again that it’s not MY play that is important. Sometimes it’s easy to listen and go along with His, other times, not so much.

    • “Those of us that like to plan” probably involved the entire human race, ha! At this point my plans have long flown out the window, I’m just trying to not discount that with God all things are possible.

  5. Thanks for the welcome! :)

    My DH would say the same…every month gone by is a month closer to our baby. But even still, you try to guard yourself against that hope. When I took the PT on Sunday, I kept talking to myself and saying “Don’t get your hopes up. You won’t cry if it’s negative. You can try again next month.”…All the while saying Hail Marys over and over again praying that this would FINALLY be the month. It’s hard to find a balance between the two. But you’re definitely NOT foolish for hoping. No one is.

  6. What a wise man your husband is. I have added you to my list of prayers. I enjoy reading your blog. And I think it is such a great way to look at it…that it’s “only a matter of time”

  7. I love all your posts. I wish I had had your blog to read three years ago (can not BELIEVE it’s been that long). But for the record, we started trying in April of 2008. My son was born in April 2010, two years to the day that we started trying. I just sort of put that together. Talk about full circle.

    I think you are brilliant, and just the right level of emotional. My husband used to tell me the same things, and later he said that he enjoyed all the “practice” and the more months we were unsuccessful, the more months we got to try. MEN. :)

    Your miracle is out there. My husband used to tell me (forgive me if I said this before), that our baby was holding on, waiting for his perfect time, waiting until he was really ready to be born. God’s time, not a minute before.

  8. Yeah, my hubby says that stuff too. It’s so hard for me to submit to, though, because each passing day means I’m older, my son is older, etc. And I’m afraid to submit because does that mean I stop trying to find out what’s wrong?? And if I do, and I never get pregnant again, could I have done something differently? It’s a vicious cycle!

    • Ha, oh I never said I was able to “just submit to it” even though I try! At some point though we’re going to have to really figure out if we want to be parents or just biological parents and go from there. Figuring out the treatment part is the roughest, but I guess we just have to feel out as we go. I don’t have better answers at this point :(

  9. My husband used to have that attitude – that it will happen if we just try a little longer. I think he’s realized these last few months, finally, that it just may not happen. Which led to us getting into this whole adoption craziness…
    On some level, I think we both still think a biological child will happen for us some day, but neither of us is willing to just wait and see anymore. We finally had to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. It doesn’t change that we are still “trying”, but it definitely takes the sting out of each failed cycle.

    • Well, I definitely don’t mean that it terms of pregnancy and I don’t think he does either. I guess I gave the wrong impression with those examples. I am fully aware that some people just don’t get pregnant, ever. I just meant that one day we’ll have our family through one way or another OR figure out what else there is for us (in terms of fulfilling service, I guess) and this won’t sting every month.

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