Making our move

I’m coming up here on 6 months of Creighton charting and I just received my Hilger’s referral in the mail.  It told me pretty much exactly what I thought it would, that my cycles are “functionally abnormal.”  There is a list of tests to continue with, some of which we’ve already done.  In all I’m just feeling very, blah regarding continuing treatment at this moment.

Its no surprise I don’t want this.  Who would want fertility issues, let alone the decisions that come with them?  Nothing is as easy as just deciding that this month we’ll “not abstain” and see what happens.  Although I pray for a different result each time, I guess that’s where we keep finding ourselves, just seeing what happens.  And until we discern that we are really called to do something different, that’s where we’ll remain.  With how strange starting treatment all feels in general I don’t know what it will take me to get the treatment train going (and makes the intentional decision that this month I will do IVF and have my baby this month seem that much more foreign).  Lightening bolts from Heaven?  In the least, definitely more prayer.  I thought I would feel invigorated when I received my referral, which is written by Hilger’s himself after looking at my medical history and charts, and have a new found energy about where to go from here.  Instead, I’m getting an unanticipated feeling:

“Just stay still already.”

I don’t really like it.  I’m an impatient person.  And its slowly being forced out of me.  I want to move forward or at least feel like I’m moving forward, but something beyond me is urging me to just accept it already, right now.  Even with knowledge of what the next steps would be and what specific tests we need to do.  And even while being forced to spend time away from my husband back here in Texas, months which could very well be used to complete the necessary blood tests.  Over these past few weeks I’ve been finally able to see what the reality and pain of this past year have clouded:  mainly, that I have never been able to visualize my family or my future (which is maybe something that God has given me to prepare me for the “unusual path” which may not even involve a family) and that I’ve always felt a draw towards adoption – which I could not acknowledge/talk about last year – even when prodded – but I’m finally realizing that it is true and not a bad thing or just a weird quirk of mine (but in fact is a very, very good blessing as not everyone has this).

Acknowledging these realities has made those recent desperate moments of “I’ll never have kids” seem not quite as bad, although I will always mourn the loss of kids I never had.  Before, when this thought would enter my head I’d feel nothing but despair, as if my life would end if I couldn’t have kids or that it would be pointless.  Lately I’ve been able to reason myself out of that despair by acknowledging that these other options are good options, and not only that, but that they might really be part of my plan.  Leading me to be able to both feel and rationalize that God has not forgotten me but is just working at His own pace.  This. is. huge.

There’s something about sub/infertility that strips away rationality and leaves just a desperate feeling remaining, like you’re lost in the woods and have no idea where to go and you’re out of food.  But now I feel as if I’m lost in the woods with a slight inkling that if I keep walking in this direction I’ll eventually get somewhere, probably not anytime soon, but eventually.  And that’s waaaaay more comforting, although I am not foolish enough to think that I’ll never doubt myself again.

But it is odd that in order to “walk in this direction” right now, I have to stand still.  My own analogies are starting to confuse me!

Anyway, I’m also having issues on how to continue this blog.  I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable knowing that there are people I know in real life who read this blog who never comment, as if this blog is a one-way window into my life which isn’t reciprocated.  For this reason I’ve had issues with sharing more of the personal details of our journey thus far.  I don’t know if I’ll stop this blog or make a new one or what.  I didn’t anticipate such a personal subject to start to affect my thoughts so intensely and the idea that its replacing real relationships I have is troubling me.  I guess I’ll work through that and decide what to do soon enough.

So, that’s where I am.  And why I’ve been so quiet lately.

14 thoughts on “Making our move

  1. You are so right in saying that the feeling of being called to adoption is a blessing and not everyone has it. I never felt called to adopt during our two years of IF. At first Ithought there was something wrong with me-but later I realized that adoption is a unique calling in itself, not a plan B when you can’t get pregnant. As of right now-that’s not our calling. And the fact that you’ve always had an inkling toward it shouldn’t be ignored :)

    I’m praying for you admist all of this!

  2. Adoption is a beautiful thing. Even though we’re expecting a child, I still feel drawn to adoption, and do believe that God will bring that into our lives at some point. It’s just not right now. But this time last year, I was starting to think it might be. God never fails to surprise. :)

  3. Learning to stand still and await God’s answer in God’s time is a big challenge for me too. As I work on being still and listening for guidance job-wise I will be praying for you during this time of distance and discernment.

    Blog-wise you of course have to do what feels right to you, but wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your writing and appreciate you sharing your thoughts and reflections along your faith journey.

  4. The last paragraph is exactly why I went private, and I don’t even get truly personal very often! Although I have to agree with Joy… there are probably many who don’t comment who find strength in your words and shared experiences.
    So as far your answer: “Just stay still already.” To me that seems like God is saying, “Be patient… Your kids will come when it is the right time.”

  5. I understand your struggles about what to do with your blog. I too have much the same issue. I know that there are some IRL who read my blog, and sometimes it upsets me that they act as if they don’t. And then other times I’m happy that way. I’ve thought many times about writing a different blog or censoring myself but every time I come to the conclusion that I blog for me. Yes, I love to get comments and learn that I am, in fact, not alone. But ultimately, I blog for me. I’ve never kept a journal and it’s a little strange to me that the first one I would keep is so very public, but it works for me.

    Prayers as you adjust to being ok being still.

  6. I love your blog, but I don’t comment as often as I would like to! I hope you keep writing (even privately), because I think you have a lot to contribute! We need your light!

  7. I am a similar boat with you in regards to where do I go next in terms of IF treatment and do I want to rush it or move slow. Personally, I haven’t tried clomid or HCG and I wonder if I should (but ovulation problems don’t necessarily seem to be my problem) or do I just move onto the laproscopy and get it over with, if you know what I mean. in regards to the blog, I appreciated your comment on my blog yesterday and have felt that way on numerous occassions – obviously I wrote a blog post on it! ;) I enjoy checking over here and seeing your fun pictures. I really enjoy blogs with pictures! Do you have any more fun knitting projects completed?

  8. As far as standing still, that may be true in this one aspect but you are definitely growing and offering others insight at the same time. I appreciate your thoughts and they give me hope to see couples sticking together and to their values when something unexpected comes along.

    I agree with you on the blog. I somewhat changed my tune and writing focus when I moved because I thought more people I know would read. I know people read it, but the fact that none comment is a little uncomfortable since it is this constant one way line of communication. Good luck with you decision.

  9. I am so impressed by your discernment throughout this process. It cannot be easy to sit back and wait on God when you have other options you could be pursuing. That’s awesome. (Also, it reminds me of the song “While I’m Waiting” by John Waller.)

    As for your blog, of course you have to do whatever is best for your own peace of mind. If that means going private, starting a new one, or even stopping altogether (I really hope not!), that’s what needs to be done.

  10. It is a good thing that I kept my mouth shut (er, hands still) yesterday because Elizabeth’s comment is far better than anything I came up with to say!

    Do what is best for you. But please do consider simply privatizing or going semi-anon as options. If blogging is good for *you* then you should not be kept silent because of people in your life who do not respond properly to your blog.

    And what you write has great value. I love to recommend Arwen’s archives to people: and I think that yours are just as valuable.

  11. Hi! I have shared some to the same feelings that you mention here. Hating standing still, never being able to picture my family, the feeling after the letter from Dr. H (although we decided to move very quickly with what he suggested due to our age but postponed the lap to 5 months later since I was so afrair) and the question if we were really drawn towards adoption or not.

    Please hang in there and if you need anything reagarding CrMS or PPVI just let me know! Will keep you in my prayers . Dios te bendiga!

  12. I think IF has so many issues with it and the public / private blog thing is one. I kept our situation a secret for many months. My mother and sister knew – but I leaned on them for so long that it became a burden. And my mother was “one of those” that got pregnant super easy and she never understood what I was going through. So I eventually told some good friends. I never regretted that decision, because there were many nights I spent on her patio crying my eyes out mourning the loss of … I don’t know. My ideal? I still can’t figure out what it was. But I definitely had to mourn it.

    You will find the answer that is best for you and your family, in regards to adoption, IF and the blog. :) But I do understand how difficult it is, what you are going through, and it’s not much … but a stranger out in the void does send out prayers for you, and hopes it gets easier.

    And I think your blogs are poignant and well worded. For what it’s worth. :)

  13. Guilty as charged about reading and rarely commenting. You eloquently expressed the reason my blog is protected to death (not that I’ve written for a long, long time).

  14. Blogs are a great way to share your thoughts, frustrations and excitements. It feels good to put them “out there” and get them out of you. But they’re not the same as personal emails and conversations and can leave the writer needing responses, empathy and more. Sometimes sharing with strangers is easier than with the ones we love. Do it for you!

    I do have some hopeful news, a friend of mine just announced she is pregnant after trying for more than a year and a half! I don’t know details but it can happen and we are keeping you in our prayerss!

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