I’m coming up here on 6 months of Creighton charting and I just received my Hilger’s referral in the mail. It told me pretty much exactly what I thought it would, that my cycles are “functionally abnormal.” There is a list of tests to continue with, some of which we’ve already done. In all I’m just feeling very, blah regarding continuing treatment at this moment.
Its no surprise I don’t want this. Who would want fertility issues, let alone the decisions that come with them? Nothing is as easy as just deciding that this month we’ll “not abstain” and see what happens. Although I pray for a different result each time, I guess that’s where we keep finding ourselves, just seeing what happens. And until we discern that we are really called to do something different, that’s where we’ll remain. With how strange starting treatment all feels in general I don’t know what it will take me to get the treatment train going (and makes the intentional decision that this month I will do IVF and have my baby this month seem that much more foreign). Lightening bolts from Heaven? In the least, definitely more prayer. I thought I would feel invigorated when I received my referral, which is written by Hilger’s himself after looking at my medical history and charts, and have a new found energy about where to go from here. Instead, I’m getting an unanticipated feeling:
“Just stay still already.”
I don’t really like it. I’m an impatient person. And its slowly being forced out of me. I want to move forward or at least feel like I’m moving forward, but something beyond me is urging me to just accept it already, right now. Even with knowledge of what the next steps would be and what specific tests we need to do. And even while being forced to spend time away from my husband back here in Texas, months which could very well be used to complete the necessary blood tests. Over these past few weeks I’ve been finally able to see what the reality and pain of this past year have clouded: mainly, that I have never been able to visualize my family or my future (which is maybe something that God has given me to prepare me for the “unusual path” which may not even involve a family) and that I’ve always felt a draw towards adoption – which I could not acknowledge/talk about last year – even when prodded – but I’m finally realizing that it is true and not a bad thing or just a weird quirk of mine (but in fact is a very, very good blessing as not everyone has this).
Acknowledging these realities has made those recent desperate moments of “I’ll never have kids” seem not quite as bad, although I will always mourn the loss of kids I never had. Before, when this thought would enter my head I’d feel nothing but despair, as if my life would end if I couldn’t have kids or that it would be pointless. Lately I’ve been able to reason myself out of that despair by acknowledging that these other options are good options, and not only that, but that they might really be part of my plan. Leading me to be able to both feel and rationalize that God has not forgotten me but is just working at His own pace. This. is. huge.
There’s something about sub/infertility that strips away rationality and leaves just a desperate feeling remaining, like you’re lost in the woods and have no idea where to go and you’re out of food. But now I feel as if I’m lost in the woods with a slight inkling that if I keep walking in this direction I’ll eventually get somewhere, probably not anytime soon, but eventually. And that’s waaaaay more comforting, although I am not foolish enough to think that I’ll never doubt myself again.
But it is odd that in order to “walk in this direction” right now, I have to stand still. My own analogies are starting to confuse me!
Anyway, I’m also having issues on how to continue this blog. I’m becoming increasingly uncomfortable knowing that there are people I know in real life who read this blog who never comment, as if this blog is a one-way window into my life which isn’t reciprocated. For this reason I’ve had issues with sharing more of the personal details of our journey thus far. I don’t know if I’ll stop this blog or make a new one or what. I didn’t anticipate such a personal subject to start to affect my thoughts so intensely and the idea that its replacing real relationships I have is troubling me. I guess I’ll work through that and decide what to do soon enough.
So, that’s where I am. And why I’ve been so quiet lately.