I’ve clearly avoided writing this because to be honest, I don’t even know what the readings were this past week. My Spanish isn’t processing as quickly as I would like it to (or rather, “why am I not fluent yet?!”) and the acoustics weren’t helping either. Plus I’ve been feeling pretty awful for this whole past week (due to a wicked combination of “traveler’s sickness” and quite possibly the worst PMS I’ve had in a very long time) and during Mass I just sat there and tried to adsorbed my surroundings. What is great is that I had some pretty profound thoughts (similar to those I had before I was Catholic!). I really do need to find adoration somewhere around here…
What hit me the hardest, was truly the realization that I need to give everything over to God. Like, everything. As I sat there, feeling so hot and awful and crappy and upset and just all around GAH! it hit me how THIS is when God wants me. Well, he wants me to turn to Him all the time, but he really, really wants me to embrace Him when I’m just really not feeling my struggle anymore. When I just want to give up. Because I can’t do it on my own. He wants to teach me to love as he loves and in order to do that I need to start when things are awful, awful, awful. Growth involves pain. And this is unfortunately the painful part. Its easy to love when things are going great, when you have everything you want. I know people say that God loves us even when we’re yelling at Him (and He does) but I find that doesn’t get me anywhere but more upset. Left to my own feelings at times like that, I’m a wreck. The only chance I have is to try to transcend my own feelings and just DO the right thing, which sometimes amounts to blindly following. Its hard to stop and listen and not do what you want to do. Because, well, we’re really not in control anyways, are we?
Ok so maybe I should go look up the readings. Here they are:
Reading 1 Wis 9:13-18b
Responsorial Psalm Ps 90:3-4, 5-6, 12-13, 14-17
Reading 2 Phmn 9-10, 12-17
wife and children, brothers and sisters,
and even his own life,
he cannot be my disciple.
Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me
cannot be my disciple.”