I have a love/hate relationship with those last few days of the month. There’s so much possibility in those days. It feels like the world is my oyster, I’m free of my burdens, and I can do anything! I wish I could just freeze time and keep that feeling. Having hope is so much easier when you can feel it. And while I remind myself that a baby isn’t promised at the end of those days, the world still seems to be brimming with possibilities and they all seem so good.
And then that next first day of the month comes. And it all comes crashing down.
It was all in my head. Yes, there was possibility, but I wasn’t pregnant. The possibility that I will get pregnant is still out there, just a few more days away than I thought. Its so much harder to feel, to remember its there.
A few months ago (during those good days, of course) I realized that its pretty funny how I go through this roller coaster inside when to the casual observer, nothing actually ever changed. I am so content and full of hope one day, even though the (likely) possibility existed that that hope wasn’t based in reality, only to be upset the next when I discover reality. Naturally I thought “Wouldn’t it be so nice if the whole month could be like this? Why does it have to come crashing down?”
So I try to write on those good days, so that on those bad days (like today) that it feels like all hope is lost I can look back and see that, between today and yesterday, what really changed? I didn’t lose anything physical. Only ideas, possibilities. And it sucks loosing those, when those possibilities are dreams of your future. But knowing that yesterday I felt so good and so full of hope helps me remember that this too shall pass.
I just don’t find it as funny as I did yesterday.