Another reason I write

I have a love/hate relationship with those last few days of the month.  There’s so much possibility in those days.  It feels like the world is my oyster, I’m free of my burdens, and I can do anything!  I wish I could just freeze time and keep that feeling.  Having hope is so much easier when you can feel it.  And while I remind myself  that a baby isn’t promised at the end of those days, the world still seems to be brimming with possibilities and they all seem so good.

And then that next first day of the month comes.  And it all comes crashing down.

It was all in my head.  Yes, there was possibility, but I wasn’t pregnant. The possibility that I will get pregnant is still out there, just a few more days away than I thought.  Its so much harder to feel, to remember its there.

A few months ago (during those good days, of course) I realized that its pretty  funny how I go through this roller coaster inside when to the casual observer, nothing actually ever changed.  I am so content and full of hope one day, even though the (likely) possibility existed that that hope wasn’t based in reality, only to be upset the next when I discover reality. Naturally I thought “Wouldn’t it be so nice if the whole month could be like this?  Why does it have to come crashing down?”

So I try to write on those good days, so that on those bad days (like today) that it feels like all hope is lost I can look back and see that, between today and yesterday, what really changed?  I didn’t lose anything physical.  Only ideas, possibilities.  And it sucks loosing those, when those possibilities are dreams of your future.   But knowing that yesterday I felt so good and so full of hope helps me remember that this too shall pass.

I just don’t find it as funny as I did yesterday.

11 thoughts on “Another reason I write

  1. I’m sad for you today too. I understand all of the feelings you described above. I feel like every month I get my hopes up just thinking of all that is possible. Praying for you!

  2. Hugs and prayers – it is a hard roller coaster ride and I’m glad you pointed out the hope and joy in the good days. I don’t feel the love of those days so much because I hate not knowing and realizing that my little hopes could be crushed in a day. Let’s remember the love and opportunities

    • there’s the worry too, but, i’d still prefer to have the suspended animation w/ hope than knowing for certain the answer was “no”.
      i pray you don’t have to go through this for much longer…

  3. I am sorry. I wanted to ask you about it today, but guess what? I am a sissy and I didn’t.
    I find writing therapeutic. It helps me see things more clearly. However I am not brave enough to post those writings online. If someone ever reads my journal, I wonder what they would think about me… I probably sound severely bipolar in there.

  4. CD 1’s are the worst. I remember that feeling all to well. But the hope is still there! I’ll pray you feel it again soon. :)

  5. I’ve tried to figure out what to say, and the best that I can do is to dance around the essential issue to say that I really, really admire your orientation toward hope. When there is something (or one!) that I want I tend to try to destroy all hope so that I will not be disappointed. Your way is far better. I’ll join in with Sarah in praying for the return of hope quickly.

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