Just relax

This is undoubtedly the most frequent advice I receive from anyone when I let them in on the personal issue that has been most troubling to our marriage thus far:  our desire for children and our inability to have them so far.

If you’re in this same place then you know, this is probably the hardest advice to swallow, mostly because the “just relax” mantra is often quoted as a way to get pregnant. I believe what hurts the most about this advice is the underlying implication that you are doing something to sabotage the birth of your own children.  And my prideful self is hurt by that.  This type of advice for conceiving also seems to minimize the natural emotional response to not conceiving, as in, its really, really hard to do the same thing every month and have the same result.  It is difficult to determine which came first, not conceiving or worrying about not conceiving?  Its like the chicken or the egg.

I’m also not really sure on the scientific research behind that advice, but I doubt there are any studies out there that can directly correlate amount of relaxation to conception.  Otherwise it would seem that every teenager who was ever terrified that they were pregnant would not have conceived!

But this past weekend, after hearing this advice for the upteenth time, this time from someone who has gone through sub-fertility as well (and not out yet), I finally heard it with new ears.  (Well, to be honest, not right then, but on the way home.)

“Just relax” finally struck me as really, the only worthwhile advice out there. Not to achieve pregnancy, but in general.  Because really, what else is there to do? I’m on this path whether I like it or not.  Yes, I can pursue treatments to help my health and yes, I can pray, but worrying will not get me anywhere.  In anything, certainly, but especially in growing our family.

Before I started RCIA, I started reading the bible and this is the first verse I ever highlighted, Matthew 6: 25 – 34.

25For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?

26Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

27“And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?

28“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin,

29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.

30“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!

31“Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’

32“For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.

33“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

It felt like pure gold in my heart as I knew I had some crazy life changes coming up that I was already stressing about.

I’ve realized what the hardest part of this for me right now is trying to figure out how I specifically will seek His kingdom.   I thought it would be through motherhood.  Apparently for the time being, I was mistaken.  So what will I do, specifically, now?  I want to know all the answers now! Like a little kid throwing a tantrum.  I know I need to find a path that suits me, that uses my gifts and serves others.  It’s a lot easier said that done, but I’m trying to do this without worry, without fear.  We have no reason to worry.  It is already decided. 

9 thoughts on “Just relax

  1. great post – I think most women can relate whether or not the worrying is about children.

    I agree it is one of the hardest things to do, but on days I succeed it is great! Yesterday was one of those days when an hour of adoration in the morning led to a great day and I didn’t worry about getting my to do list done. Not worrying about having all the answers is another hard one, but you can do it! And the upcoming move will keep you busy supporting your wonderful husband as he prepares for this great opportunity in Mexico for both of you.

  2. I have to say, this comment bugs/bugged me most of all. I’m glad you were able to find a good way of interpreting it that doesn’t make you want to pull our hair out. I always wanted to respond, “Oh yeah? I should relax? I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to conceive a child, regardless of how relaxed I am, if I don’t produce an egg.” I usually just smiled and nodded. ;)

    • ha, yeah. i see how that would bug you if you’re not ovulating and you know that “not relaxing” isn’t your problem. i think it messes with my mind more because i know i am ovulating every month and still not pregnant!

  3. Beautiful!

    I think that “just relax” could be translated into something like “seek peace.” That at least sounds more profound (and less offensive) to me, even though they both mean the same thing.

  4. So beautiful! I’ve always wondered why people gave that advice – even before learning NFP it seemed totally ridiculous to me. But this perspective, I like – and it certainly applies to a lot more than just trying to conceive.

    Prayers that you are able to ‘just relax’ and that there will soon be a little moonhead on the way to make it much more difficult to relax.

  5. I know that feeling of being told “just relax” and it is very frustrating. I didn’t feel tense one bit with the 2nd pregnancy of 3 which all ended in m/c. This last one, I was stressed from ttc to the end so now am doing acupuncture and yoga to try to destress. I know what you mean about seeking the kingdom through motherhood, and now being left to wonder how you will fulfill it if unable to achieve that goal. This is such a hard miserable waiting game, and I feel it gets harder each day, but just remember, as an online friend advised me (and is the best advice I have gotten yet throughout this miserable journey…..

    Please just don’t let TTC become your only identity. You are worth so much more than that and you ARE so much more than just trying to be a mom. Be YOU…the rest will come, or not….though I hope it does.

  6. Pingback: Empty nets and empty arms « Matching Moonheads

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