An anti-announcement

I don’t really have anything to announce.

I only have a post in which I’m honest with myself.  Admission is the first step to rehabilitation, right?

It has not been easy for my husband and I to conceive.  As in, we could be thisclose to holding  our baby by now if it had happened “when we wanted it to.”  Not the longest time in the world but, it hasn’t been nearly as easy as people made it out to seem, especially when your heart breaks every month at the thought of what could have been.  Or, more accurately, who could have been.

This has been harder than I ever imagined it would be.  Harder than I think people who haven’t gone through it will ever understand.  Not that its their fault, its just so hard to imagine so much pain that I guess it’s easier not to think about.  I probably would have chosen to not think about it to, but I’ve been forced in this position and though I’ve literally begged God not to take me here, this is the path he’s chosen for me.

And I guess I’m writing about this now because when I started this blog almost a year ago I thought, “Hey cool, I’ll be able to talk about things that I feel like people don’t understand well and I’ll get to share those things that matter to me, like NFP and the Catholic faith.  And then I can throw in some little updates about random things that develop in my life, like my husband and house and maybe future  little moonheads :)” I really didn’t intend for this to be solely a personal blog.

I really, really didn’t intend this blog to be about not having children.

And then this happened.  My developments, well, didn’t develop as I had “planned.” I never dreamed I’d be experiencing let alone writing about (gulp) sub-fertility, but here I am.  You always think it can’t happen to you.   And I guess sub-fertility (more on why I won’t say “IN-fertility” later) qualifies as “things people don’t understand well” also, which is why I feel its even more important for me to stop being in denial!

Of course no one wants people in on their most intimate details of their marriage and its hard to admit failure, but I think its even more dangerous to act like fertility is something we can control.

So anyway, that was my anti-announcement.  These are the (lack of) developments in my life and God has a wonderful sense of irony putting these little NFP teachers on this path but here we are, trying to walk (and sometimes crawl) it.

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12 thoughts on “An anti-announcement

  1. Good luck on your new journey! I pray it treats you well and is not long….I can tell you after 4 1/2 years a couple of surgeries, major wonked out hormones, stage IV endometriosis, thyroid cancer etc…etc…etc…It’s all worth it in the end. Every single moment, no matter how badly they hurt.

    If anyone would have told me that I would feel better health wise in my 30’s then I did in my 20’s I would have thought they were lying…It’s all about finding the disease(s) behind your infertility.

    It won’t be without pain, but in the end it won’t be without sheer joy either! ;)

  2. I think that is a great announcement and I’m sorry for the trials you have been through. It’s hard enough for me who is not in a situation to even try for the first part of my marriage and no developments now. You’ll still be great NFP teachers if you continue and if I have any words of encouragement it would be in relation to that. You are creating life and a culture of life through spreading that message. I trained to be a teacher with a couple that had been infertile and it was their way of giving back and supporting marriage and family life even if they didn’t have children of their own. I hope that is encouraging and not more depressing – I”ll say some prayers

  3. As a midwife I had calmly told many couples that “It is completely normal for it to take up to a year to conceive”, but I came to understand how very LONG that seems when it took over eight months to conceive our daughter. Just because something is normal physically does mean that does not take an emotional toll.
    Reach out for support (BTW wonderful post), and take this time to talk together and pray about how far down the medical infertility path you are comfortable going ~ and try and remember to laugh if you happen to be one of us who conceives on the other half of the bell-curve.

    Prayers and hugs.

  4. Friend,

    I *totally* understand. Please send me an email if you ever want to chat/vent/etc. It is a hard road, but God is good.

    PS. I do not call it infertility too (unless childbearing years are OVER, it’s not infertility yet).

  5. Oh Alison and Mike! I am SO sorry. You’re right. I don’t understand. Even as I was reading this I was thinking about how much my kids have been driving me crazy lately and…. you can have them if you want. :) I know that’s not what you want but the offer still stands!
    Okay I am joking (kind of). I have faith that you will become parents one day. I’m sorry it will be the long, hard way but maybe that will make you a more patient mother because you had to work so much harder to bring them into your family.
    Many of my friends tried to conceive for MANY years before they finally did. (Like 5 , 10 years!) Some even adopted and then got pregnant later. I know that might be discouraging but I’m just saying… don’t give up! :)
    Oh and you are very brave to put it all out there. I am not brave enough to be so personal on my blog. I am too afraid of being judged I guess…

  6. “Its hard to admit failure, but I think its even more dangerous to act like fertility is something we can control.” I think that’s so key, and though it is ironic to have this happen to people who are so open to life, it’s so wonderful that you know this. At least you know about the moral way to go about pursuing your options. I know, that’s not much comfort when your period rolls around, though :( I’m constantly praying for you two!

  7. You’re right – it starts hurting earlier than most people suspect. Earlier, in fact, than some people want to allow you to.

    I’m praying for you – not just that God gives you a child but also the lovely grace of detachment. I’ve found that praying for detachment has helped me deal with the difficulty.

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