I don’t really have anything to announce.
I only have a post in which I’m honest with myself. Admission is the first step to rehabilitation, right?
It has not been easy for my husband and I to conceive. As in, we could be thisclose to holding our baby by now if it had happened “when we wanted it to.” Not the longest time in the world but, it hasn’t been nearly as easy as people made it out to seem, especially when your heart breaks every month at the thought of what could have been. Or, more accurately, who could have been.
This has been harder than I ever imagined it would be. Harder than I think people who haven’t gone through it will ever understand. Not that its their fault, its just so hard to imagine so much pain that I guess it’s easier not to think about. I probably would have chosen to not think about it to, but I’ve been forced in this position and though I’ve literally begged God not to take me here, this is the path he’s chosen for me.
And I guess I’m writing about this now because when I started this blog almost a year ago I thought, “Hey cool, I’ll be able to talk about things that I feel like people don’t understand well and I’ll get to share those things that matter to me, like NFP and the Catholic faith. And then I can throw in some little updates about random things that develop in my life, like my husband and house and maybe future little moonheads :)” I really didn’t intend for this to be solely a personal blog.
I really, really didn’t intend this blog to be about not having children.
And then this happened. My developments, well, didn’t develop as I had “planned.” I never dreamed I’d be experiencing let alone writing about (gulp) sub-fertility, but here I am. You always think it can’t happen to you. And I guess sub-fertility (more on why I won’t say “IN-fertility” later) qualifies as “things people don’t understand well” also, which is why I feel its even more important for me to stop being in denial!
Of course no one wants people in on their most intimate details of their marriage and its hard to admit failure, but I think its even more dangerous to act like fertility is something we can control.
So anyway, that was my anti-announcement. These are the (lack of) developments in my life and God has a wonderful sense of irony putting these little NFP teachers on this path but here we are, trying to walk (and sometimes crawl) it.