I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just a bad blogger. I know this is partially because this blog doesn’t really have a point and I struggle between talking about personal things and writing about what interests me. I also feel like I have commitment issues and I’m too easily distracted! I’ll think of something really interesting to write about, think through the process of writing it, and then by the time I’ve done that I’ll feel no need to write it out anymore! In general I struggle with putting my thoughts done in writing (Evidence A: this research paper I’ve been working on forEVER). I don’t want to say something incorrectly or make a bad point and then have proof that I said it so poorly!
I think I just need to be a little easier on myself. After all, that’s why I wanted to start this blog to begin with. Know thy faults, right?
Anyway, so many things have been happening lately that I’ve been finding it hard to keep track of my own thoughts. But I did want to write a few things I keep thinking about after my grandma’s death. Important thoughts, you know, thoughts on life and such.
1. I don’t have many experiences with death. I have lots of experiences with moving and leaving people and goodbyes, but I haven’t had many close people in my life die. Like a forever goodbye, no possibility of seeing you in this world again. That probably sounds silly and naive to people who have experienced the death of a loved one. I guess I was just sheltered. But then a week before I became Catholic 3 people I knew died. [Well, one was a murder in my apartment complex, so I guess I didn’t know them, but I did live in the same building as them.] Those deaths spaced so closely together hit me SO hard. Like God was shaking me and telling me, “What I’m calling you to do is SO MUCH more than just about what concerns you in your little world. This is real.”
Over time though, that feeling of “seizing the moment” wears off. Eventually I get sucked back into my little world and what’s going on with this and that person and it becomes easy to forget the big picture. There’s nothing like a death in the family to shake you up and realize that about 90% of what occupies your day is completely pointless. In the end we will ALL die, and what will we have to say for our lives? It’s hard to straddle that line between what’s important in the long run and what I have to deal with today. I’m pretty sure these are normal thoughts after a loved one dies.
This time I think it will be different. I feel like its hard to get sucked back in to my “normal” life now. Maybe its just too early. Maybe its because I was closer to her. I’m not sure.
2. Being surrounded by your whole family and generations that you’ve created has to be one of the best ways to die. I know Grandma WhoWho was in such pain in the end of her days, but I know that having her little great-grandson there to smile and giggle made it better. I could tell by the smile on her face the day she died. We literally had a party for my grandma (and my cousin’s birthday) on the day she died. And though it was the “strangest party she’d ever been to”, we were all together. And she knew she was loved. I pray for the souls of those who die alone. I hope they know they’re loved too.
3. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fusion of the body and spirit, and how deaths naturally lead you to spiritual thoughts, even if you’ve ignored those questions before. I’m sorry if this is morbid, but seeing my grandma’s body after she died and knowing that it wasn’t her, what made her her wasn’t there anymore, was a real wake-up. This body is soo temporary. I don’t know how you couldn’t believe in a soul and a place where your soul goes after your body fails you.
4. According to my sister (and I agree), the point of life is to create life. And my grandma did a great job of that. She had four children who went on to have her grandchildren, so she created life in the literal sense. She was also warm and open to friends and strangers. She would talk to anyone and made friends so easily, partly due to the fact that she took such joy in the little things. Although she outlived many of her friends she had SO many friends show up at her memorial service. My grandma made friends and spread life so easily! It made me think about how I would create and foster life. In our NFP class we talk about how to be “open to life” that goes in right along with the section on infertility and we discuss how many ways one can be “open to life”. Of course having children is what most people think of, but even after you’re done starting your family you have many more years to create life. What will I do then? My grandma played bridge. I think I’ll probably learn bridge too. It seems to be in the blood.
5. I like praying with my family. There were two instances where we joined hands in a circle and prayed for my grandma all together as a family, once before she died and once afterwards. It was comforting.
6. Along this same line however, although I was with my husband, there’s nothing lonelier than sitting in church on Mother’s Day, the day your grandma died, without your family. I don’t think I’ve ever wished I could share my faith with my family more than that day.