What a difference a year makes
Exactly one year ago I was waking up from surgery crying when I heard them say endometriosis in the recovery room. I was still hoping that maybe nothing was wrong. I wish I could lie and say I handled it well and had peace in the room and yada yada yada but I didn’t. I went in afraid and I woke up afraid. What was I doing, all the way in Omaha to get surgery by this doctor that seemed unimpressed by our case? I had to continuously remind myself that I wasn’t crazy, that this was the next step, that this is what we had prepared for and was what we said we’d do the previous May when I started learning Creighton. I knit socks to mark the journey.
Now here I am a year later. With my Samuel in my arms and a linea negra on my stomach that for the time being overshadows the scars from last year and I am continuously reminded why I am so glad we took those steps last year, as scary as it was. Because not knowing was scarier. I didn’t know it would help, I didn’t know it would do anything other than put me at peace that we had “done what we could.”
I just wanted to mark this day…it was such a big deal for me last year. This year is obviously much different, but its been a “big” day nonetheless…Samuel got his first bottle from Mike. It was sad for me but I’m proud I didn’t cry. It was recommended to us that if we eventually plan on giving him a bottle then its best to introduce it between 4-6 weeks, and he was 5 weeks yesterday. He took it like a champ so well that it made me almost feel a little outdated. But I came home and cuddled and nursed him again so he wouldn’t forget me that quickly :)
Luckily he didn’t. And he may have given us his first smiles. Its hard to tell since they are so fleeting but I think they are coming soon and I am so. excited.
**edited to add, I just looked at my blog for the first time in a while and it seems messed up to me but I’m too tired to try to fix it right now. Is it messed up to anyone else? Thanks!**
Filed under: Hope, Memories, My gift | 1 Comment
Slow to process and picture post
I keep starting posts and stopping them when the words don’t come out right. There don’t seem to be the right words to be able to express what I’m feeling. There is now this entirely separate person here and I’m responsible for their every care.
Bath time with our Blooming Bath :)
Its unbelievable and humbling. Its more work than I ever thought I’d be able to joyfully do in a single day, compounded every day for the foreseeable future. I’ve cried less than I thought I would and I’m amazed my postpartum hormones are so level and keeping me sane. I never knew it was possible to not sleep more than 4 hours in a row for such an extended period of time (and I hear I’m lucky!).
“Daddy time” is his favorite part of the day
I’m amazed we were trusted with this task. I’m amazed my body is helping to sustain this little guy. I feel like I’ve been so slow to process this miracle, from the pregnancy to the birth to the day to day life with this little guy, and all my posts echo the same “I can’t believe this is real” feeling, but it really seems too incredible to have actually gone right for this to be our reality.
It sounds strange, but I didn’t recognize him when he came out. This was my son? I had dreamed about our child for so long but I had no idea who he’d be. He was just an idea. Except, now he’s not…he’s an actual breathing, burping, pooping, cooing, almost smiling entirely separate person that looks at me with this innocent eyes and says,
Here we go! Our adventure is just beginning! What will we do today?
Wow. Just, wow!
Filed under: Children, Everyday Life, My gift, Uncategorized | 12 Comments
Since the birth
I realized today when my husband and I went out to lunch after Sam’s hearing test that I had no concept of time. Its almost the end of May! Already I feel like I’m measuring time in how old he is (weeks, months, etc.) since that was such a pivotal change for us. I picked up a coupon that expired 5/15/12 today and stared at it for a few minutes trying to figure out if it was still good! Time hasn’t moved this quickly/strangely in many years and its nice to have such a distraction to not care about what day it is. So, hence the title of this post!
So some good news and updates first, Samuel can hear! I love that we needed a test to tell us that since at this point we’d pretty much figured that one out since he reacts to my voice, so maybe it would have been more useful during those first few days of life but, oh well. In other Sam news, he’s growing in all directions well and I think he’s at least 9.5 lbs and was 95% on height at his two week appointment. He really likes lifting his head and moving it from side to side, so he has a lot of fun with tummy time already. His eyes still look blueish and I can get glimpses of his dimples when he smiles after he farts :) No intentional smiles yet but I’m hoping for some soon! He gets really cranky when he has gas though and will almost scream until he audibly fills up his diaper. Poor guy, there’s nothing we can do to help him either :( Other than that he has a content personality so if he’s crying he likely has gas. Narrows it down quite a bit and when he’s calm he’ll just stare outside or at random points in the room. I really wonder what’s going through his baby brain…
*********************************************************************
We ran into our doctor on the way out of the hospital today and she was really excited to see us and meet him. She was so supportive of our home birth that it was really great to see her excited about meeting him as well. We’re only doing the 6 week follow up with the midwife (as opposed to doubling up like we did for almost every other appointment during the pregnancy) since I’m pretty sure the doctor visit is just to prescribe birth control and it will be hard to get a sitter for Sam for me to go to that. Its nice to have such a great relationship with her though that I know I can go to her if I have any other issues!
***********************************************************************************
My healing is going well, in case any one is interested. As crazy as I felt after the birth I would never have thought I would feel as good as I did a week later. Its amazing to realize that despite all evidence contrary and what it took to get pregnant, our bodies are made for birth and to heal from birth. This has been one of the most reassuring things, that I don’t have control over it but my body finally knows what to do. At now almost 4 weeks later I can go on walks around the neighborhood and more, although I’m taking it easy right now since I think I have a plugged milk duct and am making sure it doesn’t go to infection (looks good so far). Anyways, our bodies are amazing and continue to surprise me. I guess its time I give it credit after bashing it for the last few years :(
****************************************************************************************
Someone in the family sent me a congratulatory card yesterday with good intentions I’m sure, but with a line that upset me so much I can’t believe someone in our family would write it! Ok, maybe I can believe it a little bit.
I love Samuel. I know he’s the baby we were supposed to get precisely because he’s the baby that came to us when God wanted him too. I didn’t care if he was a boy or a girl and was excited about both possibilities, although part of me was a teensy bit more excited at the thought of his family gaining another girl :) My husband’s family can have a little, well machismo if that’s what you call it. Maybe sexist is the more appropriate but less diplomatic way of putting it.
For the longest time no one in his family could remember that in addition to Mike, I was also getting my PhD. I seriously think that when they came in for our graduation they thought I was getting a Master’s. For the several years while we were dating/married they would repeatedly ask me what it was that I did. (I’m in grad school too!). A few months after graduation when we were looking at pictures, Mike’s mom was bragging to her friends that Mike wrote “a whole book” for his degree and “Alison, can you believe he wrote a whole book?” (the thesis, not an actual book) Um, yes I can believe it because I wrote one also. Not only that but I actually wrote two! Ok, I promise that’s not me being a brat, but its like it just continuously escaped them that girls could do that sort of thing also. I have other example scenarios but I’ll just stop at those to not complain too much :)
Anyway, so in the card read the handwritten line: “Congrats on your baby and a boy on the first try! Very lucky” Really? So many things wrong with that sentence, probably “first try” bugged me the most. Oh honey that was NOT our “first try”. And I’m sure the odds are about 50% so why is that lucky? Please, be more clear. Maybe its all the Henry the VIIIth going through my head but that seems like a very antiquated view that OK, maybe I can see people answering some awkward questions in the spur of the moment, but to put thought into it enough to put it in a card and then send it to us?
I guess I should just be happy the our baby was acknowledged. But seriously, the next person who says something like that to me is going to get an earful!
Ok, those are enough random thoughts for now :)
Filed under: Uncategorized | 14 Comments
After the birth
I realized in writing my last post that in stopping when Sam was born I left out more of the story, i.e. everything that happened after his birth!, so here’s the rest.
*************************************************************************
I mentioned that Sam’s cord was short, so he could only be placed on my belly after the birth. He stayed there until the cord stopped pulsing and I could deliver the placenta. I’m not sure exactly how much time passed but I think it was somewhere around 30 minutes. Samuel was really chill and just looked around while he was there. He didn’t really cry that much and was very alert.
Sometime right after the birth the student midwife showed up to help with the after birth care. I’m not sure if it was just too early for her to make it to the birth or what but I think she literally walked in when he was on my belly still. Soon the placenta was delivered and I almost didn’t feel it it was so easy. At that point Mike got to cut the cord after the midwives clamped it. They began to massage my stomach a little to make sure they got all the clots and extra blood out. It was actually pretty painful but I could look at my baby so it was a little more bearable. It was incredible to realize that this baby had actually been inside there that whole time!
After this I tried to breastfeed before Kelly “assessed the damage.” Breastfeeding went pretty well and he had a really strong latch with a little assistance from the beginning. I’m really glad he knew what he was doing because I really didn’t have a clue and I really felt like an imposter trying to feed this child! Luckily the midwives were able to direct and give me some tips, then and over the next few days/weeks. I was also holding him close to keep him warm. At this point my mother in law was texting and asking how much he weighed, etc. but we hadn’t done any of that yet. That was literally the last thing they did!
So after feeding him for a bit and generally just getting to hold him closer to me in my arms, I gave him to Mike for some bonding while I was stitched up. I’m not exactly sure what the damage was but I know it couldn’t have been that bad since the more veteran midwife who is certified to repair third degree tears was not the one stitching me up. I did have multiple tears though. I pretty much had no desire to look either, which I admit was rare for me. Usually I love watching the surgery channel :) They gave me a local anesthetic and my mom fed me breakfast while I watched Mike hold Sam. This seemed to take a while but they literally did this right on my bed where I gave birth and then I was able to swing back and lay down propped up a little.
I’ll go into this more later but they also changed my sheets during this time, so everything was nice and clean. Ok, so although they were recording all the times of the pushes and documenting the fetal heart rate during the birth process, this is finally where they weighed and measured him, which is probably what he disliked the most. It was literally like they took him away from me and he started crying.
Weighing him like a stork
He calmed down once he found his fingers to suck on again :)
Someone also helped me to the bathroom in here. Our bathroom is less than 7 steps away from our bedroom and I was shocked at how out of breath I was. It was like there was a giant weight on my chest that was preventing me from standing up and breathing at the same time. I was pretty shocked by how exhausted I was physically after all that, but that was easily the most difficult thing physically I’ve done in my life. I had that pressure on my chest for the first 2 or 3 days after birth anytime I stood up before it started to go away, so I pretty much just stayed in my bed that whole time apart from getting up to use the rest room.
****************************************************************************************************
I wish I had more eloquent words to describe how I felt and how I’m feeling now. I do know that right after I had him I said a couple things to my husband and was definitely amazed that people have multiple children. I’m pretty sure that as a result of our sub-fertility I really spent little to no time thinking about the actual demanding part of labor because I knew “it would all be worth it”, and for that I am extremely grateful! Great rewards demand great sacrifices and the strangest part about it was that it really was like a roller coaster that there was no getting off, no pause button to catch your breath and get through. As incredible as the birth process was and what a privilege it was to hold him so close to me for 9 months, it really is after the birth that’s the biggest miracle and what matters most. THAT’S the beginning. I’m really glad we were able to have a birth with no interventions, but I’m even more excited to get to learn and grow with this little soul. That’s what mothering is and I’m amazed I get the chance to do it, and that this little grunty guy finally came to give me this opportunity!
Filed under: My gift, Natural birth, Uncategorized | 5 Comments
Samuel’s birth story
Finally, two weeks later, here is the birth story! I think it was good for me to have some time to write this since within the first few days after birth the experience was a little too fresh, but at the same time I really didn’t want to wait too long lest these breastfeeding hormones all but erase exactly what an ordeal it was :) Anyway, for those of you interested, here is the story:
The Week Before Labor:
Although we had a home birth, we saw both a midwife and a doctor throughout our pregnancy. The week before labor I had a doctor’s appointment and declined to get checked to see how my progress was. Already the doctor started talking about induction! We knew by previous measurements that the baby’s head was down, amniotic fluid levels were normal, and the baby’s back was to the front. The Saturday before my due date I had an appointment with our midwife. When she took all my vitals my blood pressure had slightly risen from a few days before and she suggested stripping my membranes if possible to speed labor up, since if my blood pressure rose too much then I would risk out of the home birth. However, when she checked me I was only 50% effaced and not dilated at all. In fact, she tried to stretch me to about 1cm but that was all she could do, striping the membranes wasn’t even an option. I had a feeling my blood pressure was higher because I had hosted an impromptu dinner party for almost 20 people the night before which may have slightly stressed me out, so although my blood pressure was rising I really tried to do nothing over the next few days but relax and drink a ton of water. She also said my cervix was between an anterior and posterior position, so while the baby was in a good position there was still a chance of feeling a lot of back labor. The baby’s head was also really low during pregnancy and she measured it at a station -1 already and said the good news about that is that the baby would have no problem fitting through my pelvis, what every woman wants to hear!
Pre-labor:
I woke up the next Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning with a pain that I didn’t realize until afterwards was a contraction, I had just ran to the bathroom with cramping that felt like a heavy period. The first contraction was just after midnight and I noticed after a few hours that they were 20 min apart. When Mike got up at 6:00 am to go to work I stopped him in the kitchen and told him what had been going on all night, so he stayed home from work. Unfortunately, as soon as I got up and started walking around (and everyone started looking at me!) the contractions all but stopped and went to 30 min to sometimes an hour apart. I wasn’t supposed to contact my midwife until the contractions were 10 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute for at least an hour. I emailed her anyway since she had went to Santa Barbara the day before, just to give her a heads up that maybe I was in early labor. My midwife, Margo, said to sleep but I was too excited so I just laid around most of the day and was lazy…but I should have listened (I also had another midwife, Kelly)!
In the early afternoon after more of the same I was starting to get disheartened that labor was far away so I took a shower and felt so much better. So as were our plans for the day anyway, my mom and I went and got a pedicure. We started to go get boba tea but as my mom was driving down the hill near our house some guys waved at us to let us know our car was smoking! We pulled over into a gas station and realized that someone had left the parking break on and our brakes were smoking :P Around this time the contractions really started picking up again. Luckily the car was fine, so we decided to just go to the library near my house to check out baby name books (we still hadn’t figured out a girl’s name) and laughed at the irony of having contractions 40 weeks pregnant in the library while checking out baby name books! We don’t wait until the last minute :) Around this time in the library I started to feel really bad, so we came home.
Last pregnancy picture! Taken between contractions. Clearly too chipper.
Active Labor:
When we got home I couldn’t get comfortable just sitting down, so I started to play Rockband while bouncing on my birth ball while my contractions sped up to about 6-7 minutes apart. I really think bouncing and just being able to feel the music instead of thinking about it helped move things along. When I called the midwife about two and a half hours later she basically said I seemed too chipper, so to call when they got more intense! This was around 6:30pm. By 9pm the contractions were finally about 5 min apart and hurt more, which is when I started to realize I probably should have slept some. The midwife had called back and when we updated her she mentioned that we might be having a baby that night, which was exciting but terrifying to hear! Around 11pm (I think?) they were still around 5 minutes apart but more intense, so Mike called the midwives again. At that point they told him to keep me hydrated and to settle in for the long haul, because this baby had a while to come. They also said that I needed to lie down and try to sleep. He wouldn’t tell me that news at first but once he said that they didn’t think the baby was coming for a while I got really disappointed. Trying to sleep was the LAST thing I wanted to do, since every time I laid down the contractions got more and more intense but further apart. I wanted to go walking and get this baby out so we could meet him or her finally! I remember thinking, “I need to eat something then, since I’m already exhausted there’s no way I can make it through if the baby comes tomorrow.” I went and ate a few pretzels, a honey stick, and drank a little Gatorade and on the next contraction threw it all up over our living room floor before Mike could get the burp bowl. I’m sure there was more intermittent puking after this, but this is when it started. Around this time I also started to shake really bad and this lasted up until pushing. We tried to lie down and sleep through the contractions and they slowed back down to about 10 minutes apart. And it was really painful to almost fall asleep for 10 minutes and then wake up to the searing pain that felt similar to knives in my cervix and pain all around my back, which was distinctly different from period cramps :) Somewhere in there I remember realizing that I was really glad we prepared as much as we did for birth with the relaxation techniques because at this point I was still not eligible to go to the hospital! (Our hospital had said to wait until they were 1 minute long, 4 minutes apart for 1 hour). After a few hours of trying to “sleep” through the contractions and lying down I was demanding Mike to get the midwives over here, because they clearly didn’t realize how intense the contractions were even though they were far apart and that surely the baby was coming soon. They said they were coming over and that I should try lying down in the bath tub. Now, this whole time I had the birthing tub set up and filled and just waiting for me, but my contractions weren’t close enough together to warrant getting into it. So I did the bath tub and it actually started to speed things up. But it also relaxed me and made me more tired, so I think we tried to lay down again after that (this is where things get a little fuzzy). Somewhere in there I got back up and ended up on the birth ball (I was pretty much changing positions continuously all night).
The Midwives Arrive:
The midwives finally made it over to the house around 4:30am and when they checked me I was only 4-5 cm dilated. They also listened to the baby and measured my blood pressure and it had dropped to 120/80 or something close to that. Samuel’s heart rate was also great. I’ll remember that peaceful sound in the pain forever…probably because I was starting to think labor would never end and it was a reminder a baby was still coming! (how quickly you forget…). We did pretty much every labor position possible and then some and in between each position I kept running to the toilet since I felt so much pressure down there. I had a ton of back labor so anything with the back pressure was what felt the best and a personal favorite was on my knees with my head and chest on our birth ball with Mike’s hands on my lower back. He later said he could literally see my hip shape changing and expanding. Crazy!
Some of the relaxation techniques I was trying were to pray for all our friends that are waiting for a baby. I would pick a couple and offer up my physical pain for them during each contraction, including the women that commented anonymously on the book giveaway post. Having you guys to offer up the pain for seriously helped me keep going and keep me focused. I don’t know if I would have had that resolve had I not had to struggle to conceive like we did. I also kept saying “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” during some of the contractions to remember that it really was a blessing to go through this, as much as it hurt. I have to admit, saying that really did make me feel crazy. I’ve had too many close friends suffer miscarriages this year and probably the most effective imagery I had was to literally picture those couples longing for their baby, since I knew these pains were the cost of a live baby. Those were probably the most effective at helping me through the physical pain since I know their emotional pain was somewhere along the same level. I also remember meditating on my little baby who had no idea what was going on but was strong and steady and brave to be going through this journey with me. At some point though it got really hard to think anything during the contractions and I just had to embrace the pain, but that was towards the very end.
I finally got into the birth tub somewhere in there and Mike says I stayed in there for about 2 hours (I completely lost track of time). As good as the tub felt I remember thinking, “Man, I can still feel the pain! I thought this was supposed to take it away!” While I liked the tub, I felt further apart from everyone since I was the only one in the tub and having someone put pressure on my back had really helped with the pain. In hindsight, I think it would have helped more if Mike would have gotten in the tub but he kind of just chilled on the outside like so:
The tub slowed down the contractions but Margo said that it was making them more productive. Looking back, I don’t know if I ever when through transition, but as I was wading in the pool in between contractions I remember thinking, This is crazy. This is just nuts. No one people get pain medication. I never seriously thought about leaving my home to go to the hospital but at this point I realized why this medication exists, because child birth can be painful! At some point I got out of the tub and tried to lie down again to relax and sleep. The only way I was able to make it through those contractions lying down was because Kelly gave me the best back pressure and light touch massage on my back and legs while I held (clenched) Mike’s hand through it all. However, I remember my contractions were so far apart (probably still 10 min.) that everyone would almost fall asleep in between them all and my moaning would start to wake everyone up again. Mike was constantly telling me to relax my jaw (crucial! I would get so tense in my face with each contraction and not even know it) and Kelly and/or Margo would start moaning lowly and I would try to match the pitch instead of squealing in a high voice like I kept doing naturally.
Anyways, after that “nap” a few hours later when they checked me again I was still a 4-5, but Kelly said she was able to “stretch” me to around a 7. I got really, really disheartened at this point and really started wondering how this birth thing ever happened since I wast not progressing. As soon as I started thinking that though, the contractions really started to speed up and came much closer together. I think I got up to try to use the restroom again (nothing was ever coming out but mucus) and must have had three or four contractions really close together in the course of walking to the toilet, sitting there, and walking back to the bed. As I was bent over the bed at one point Kelly tried to get the baby to move down further to get me to alternate bending either knee through the contraction and that was the most excruciating pain.
Pushing:
I laid back down and realized the pain was moving away from just my front and back to, ahem, lower. This is where I felt like I got louder (both my mom and Mike say I was never that loud) with the low moaning and Kelly and Margo kept telling me to relax with it and just melt my bottom into the bed. Despite everyone telling me to relax and massaging me through these contractions, my body started to almost stutter through the last half of the contraction. I remember thinking why can’t I just relax, I have all this help here! I must have done this a few times before I saw Margo and Kelly mouthing something to each other and then saying they wanted to check me again. They checked me and told me only a lip of cervix was left. My body had started to push on its own and I hadn’t realized it! One of the midwives did some maneuvering with the next contraction to help remove the final bit of cervix and the baby slid down the birth canal so fast Kelly shouted to the other midwife “Margo, we’re about to have a baby here!” which totally shocked me because I was just at a 4-5 what seemed like not too long ago and now I had to push?! I think I literally had forgotten in the pain at that point that a baby was coming out. That we were finally going to meet our baby!
The mood in the room totally changed and I remember that everyone was really happy around me. I started to get a little scared because I realized that yeah, they were all happy, but I still had to do the serious work of pushing the baby out! I made some good progress with the first couple pushes but it didn’t go as fast and I had hoped maybe it would based on what Kelly had said. My contractions slowed down a bit to around 6 min apart again but I was able to get some much needed rest between them before he came out. The baby’s heart rate was steady the whole time and the midwives guessed at this point that he was a boy.
So you may realize at this point that I haven’t mentioned my water breaking, and that’s because it hadn’t. I had completely forgotten all about it, but I think that contributed to the feeling that this baby was never coming out. When the baby’s head started showing the bag of waters was still intact. The joke was that Kelly the midwife was going to get baptized on his way out! During one of the pushes the bag finally broke and pretty much went everywhere (sorry if that was too much information but this is a birth story!) During pushing this time Mike was a solid rock for me since I started hyperventilating and had to breathe into my cupped hands to calm down. My breathing was all funky during the pushes so I asked for a little more coaching from the midwives (they had tried to let me just push when it felt good but after a few pushes I needed a little more direction). In between each contraction Mike would just smile and me kiss me and tell me how proud he was of me and I remember just being in awe that I had just a strong man who could say “I can see the head! There’s hair!” and then kiss me passionately and encourage me. I was pushing by laying on my side and he was literally holding onto one leg and one arm and I was using him as a brace during each contraction.
In reality it was not quite an hour later that our baby was born. I went ahead and pushed him all the way out in one contraction since my contractions were so far apart Kelly thought it was better to just have him all the way out than half out for so long. When he came out he got to chill on my belly due to a really short cord :)
I was in awe there was suddenly a baby on my belly and I think it was my mom who asked “Well, what is it?!” I had told them that I wanted Mike to tell me if it was a boy or girl and he reached over and lifted up a leg to tell me that Samuel was here :) Good thing too because my mom had also announced during pushing that we had no girl name yet. Whew!
So from the first contraction to the final push it was in total about 34 hours. I remember hearing when people said they had labors that long that surely they were exaggerating. As you can see from the story they weren’t “intense-can’t-talk-through-these” contractions until Wednesday evening and they weren’t regular through the day but contractions were there (and distinctly different from Braxton-Hicks) the whole time. While they may not have hurt as bad at the latter ones, the damage they did was prevent me from sleeping two nights in a row which made exhaustion start to be the biggest issue.
*********************************************************************************************************
So, that’s the story of Samuel’s birth. While I don’t think I’ll ever call myself a home birth advocate as its a highly personal decision with many factors to consider, I would like to share some things about home births and our decision to have a home birth. I wanted to open it up to questions first. If you have any questions about home birth please leave it in the comments section and I’ll address it!
Filed under: Children, My gift, Natural birth, Uncategorized | 14 Comments
Some final pregnancy thoughts
Today is my first day alone with the baby. He was born 11 days ago and its just now my first day with just us! I’ve had both Mike and my mom here helping but today Mike had to go back to work and my mom is out and about having some fun herself. Before I get to my labor story I wanted to tie up a few loose ends with how the rest of pregnancy went, considering last I left off was something like this where I was happily touting a fairly pleasant pregnancy experience.
You know I got mine, right?
I just wanted to follow up and write this since at this point I am all but forgetting that I was even pregnant, let alone for nine months. Seriously, that time flew by.
About a week after I wrote that post I started getting some gnarly heartburn. I’d always heard about heartburn but man, this was like stop in your tracks can’t breathe heartburn. I also had some sort of pinched nerve in my back that I was planning on going to the doctor for before I was able to kink it out doing some sort of chiropractic moves I half looked up and half made up. Sleeping definitely got a lot more difficult and I’d literally start getting up every two hours to use the bathroom, but I’m seeing that more as a blessing now that I’m happily working a little baby into that routine instead of the commode :)
Anyways, all that to say that yes, I got uncomfortable, but really, I was surprised by how pregnancy was not horrible. From the comments I sort of realize that this is obviously not the case for everyone but I’d like to think that everyone “gets there’s”. That’s a simplistic way to think about it but getting the baby in there was the difficult part for me. I’m sort of happy that that didn’t carry over to all aspects of child growing.
AND all that to say, that I was probably horribly wrong in proclaiming how painless I anticipated child birth to be! I clearly spent a little too much time banking on how childbirth can be painless. Natural, yes, it is what our bodies are designed to do, but there is a reason you practice all those breathing exercises! The first 20 hours were something like really bad period cramps but then the last 14 were something else entirely. Granted, everyone’s labor is different, and this was my body coupled with exhaustion over such a long labor but I just wanted to put that out there, I stand corrected :) I don’t think 9 months of absent periods is quite physically equal to the child birth experience but I guess it really shouldn’t be. Its something else entirely. And this little wonder comes out at the end, so it probably should be a lot more work.
Ok, full labor story coming shortly…
Filed under: Uncategorized | 10 Comments
Just wanted to write a quick post to update everyone that our son, Samuel, was born on April 26th at just before 10 am! He weighed 7lbs 12 oz and is 21 inches long, and for those keeping stats, a 13.75 in head circumference, making him our little moonhead according to the midwives :) Labor was long and intense but he was born at home and we are both doing really well 2 days out. I hope to give a more in depth labor story for those interested later!
Thank you all for your prayers and as Rebecca kept reminding me, Im just glad it took less time to get him out than it took getting him in there!
Picture coming soon!
Here’s a picture!
Filed under: Uncategorized | 42 Comments
Book winner!
Just wanted to chime in with a little update with the book winner. Its not too late (especially here on the west coast!). Using a random number generator and including both the people who commented and emailed me separately, the winner was…
Laura!
I really wish I had a book to give all of you, but hopefully you all are entering on all the blogs on the book tour! Laura, please email me with your address so I can get this sent out to you, asap!
Also, in case anyone’s curious, this baby is not yet overdue. Handy NFP charting told me my actual due date is the 26th, as opposed to today which is based on my LMP. Hopefully the baby got that memo as well, ha!
Filed under: Uncategorized | 5 Comments
Today I have the pleasure of introducing a new resource that maybe all of us at one time or another wish existed. In fact, maybe its lack started us to writing about infertility on our blogs or made us start a blog all together.
An actual book about infertility for Catholics! Novel idea, eh?
The book is The Infertility Companion for Catholics: Spiritual and Practical Support for Couples, written by Angelique Ruhi-López and Carmen Santamaría and published by Ava Maria Press.
The idea for this book was born out of the experience of two friends, Angelique and Carmen, who live in Florida and who both had unexpected obstacles in their journeys to growing their families, including infertility and secondary infertility. While they didn’t journey simultaneously (first one friend, then the other), their shared experiences helped them to see the need for a very Catholic resource and eventually drove them to write this book. Over these next two weeks you’ll see from the schedule here that a bunch of different bloggers will be participating in the “Blog Book Tour” to give you reviews, excerpts, interviews, and giveaways surrounding the release of this book, which has been scheduled to conveniently coincide with Infertility Awareness Week, April 22-28th. How smart is that?
Angelique and Carmen, just hanging out, writing books together :)
The book title does say a lot about whats in it: practical and spiritual support. When I first heard about this book I really did think to myself (and maybe out loud), Oh please don’t be just another Catholic book telling us don’t do IVF. Don’t get me wrong, for many people, this is an important topic that needs to be clarified from the get go. We’ve all heard that “Oh, my friend so and so did IVF and she was Catholic” so clearly, this is an important moral question that needs to be addressed and discussed in a very loving manner because many, many people out their haven’t heard this message. However, I was just praying that this book didn’t stop there! To tell someone what treatments are off limits without offering the alternatives and support to make it through a now even more estranged journey (which is where most Catholic materials I’ve read seem to stop) is a bit like – forgive the bad analogy – throwing someone in an ocean, telling them they can’t use a raft, and then expecting them to just learn to swim and make it back to dry land on their own. Sure, maybe some will figure it out, but a great deal of people will struggle and flail in the process.
So back to the book, the first chapter reads very instructive and well, practical. Helping the reader to answer the question if they meet the scientific definition of infertility and a rundown of some common diagnoses. Before going into what the Church teaches about artificial reproductive technologies (ART), there is a great little chapter about what our faith has to do with infertility at all, including references to familiar bible stories and a background to theology of the body. For many, this is the confusing leap between why the church is even concerned with what couples do privately, and I loved that this was included before the actual details of the Church’s stance on ART! Afterwards there is a chapter on treatment options available for Catholics which addresses specific and again, practical concerns that Catholic may have with traditional approaches to infertility treatment and how best to navigate that path, including both author’s experiences.
Finding the correct spiritual support is a huge part of making it through experiencing infertility in one piece and even then it can be a close call. This was where we get to my favorite part of the book! The part that I was really hungry for, help finding the meaning and peace in the midst of all the cloudy emotions and remembering Jesus in all of it. The next few chapters, Discerning God’s Will, The Cross of Infertility, and Bearing the Cross: A Spirituality of Infertility, all address these more intangible difficulties of infertility while calling us out of the darkness of despair to remember our purpose as Christians.
Probably the most valuable part of the book for me was the description and explanation of the St. Ignatius spiritual discernment exercise. This can obviously be found elsewhere, but the application to one’s own infertility journey is very, very valuable and a good reminder to what its really all about. And this is where I will give props to my husband for “being right” and I will hopefully not upset the blogging community too much, but this is an extremely big advantage to not blogging about every detail of the infertility journey and is probably why as some point along our paths, most of us have taken a step back from doing so. This community provides an invaluable resource of support and love in what is otherwise a very isolating journey. However, discerning the next steps in something so personal and spiritually important as the steps tied to the growth of your family is really between you, your husband, and God. But saying that and knowing how to do it so you get that calm and peace in your soul are two different things. The St. Ignatius steps laid out in this book were extremely helpful to proper discernment for dealing with any big decision, but especially infertility related ones since it can get so confusing emotionally. Its always good to remember to have that quiet time between just you and God to pour your heart out and then really, truly listen. Good stuff!
There’s a lot more to this book, including a very necessary chapter from Carmen’s husband talking about the male perspective of male factor infertility which I applaud him for writing and telling a much needed perspective that is non-existent in the blog-world, as well as a chapter on Infertility’s Effect on Marriage, dealing with The Loss of Miscarriage (including instructions on what to physically do after a miscarriage as well as support network resources), and Opting to Adopt. There is also a great chapter on How Family and Friends Can Help, which would be great to give if you’re having difficulty explaining to those trying to understand infertility how they can support their loved ones and that in a mine field of things not to say, there really are things that can help.
The fact that the book was peppered with inspiring quotes, bible verses, and catechism references makes it very biblical and Catholic resource that really helps tie the suffering of infertility directly to our faith. Each chapter has a list of further references at the end that will help the reader find more information on a topic of interest. Although at times it can be confusing to remember who is writing each chapter (Angelique and Carmen switch on and off) and it would have been nice to have a reminder as each chapter started, a strength of this book really is the perspective of two women, one who faced infertility and one who is currently facing infertility. The difference in tone of their writing is subtle, but perhaps its like reading the blogs of women who have become pregnant and had children vs. those that are still in the midst of the struggle. There is a difference, maybe a wisdom or confidence that comes from experiencing faith and prayers completed vs. an inspiring rawness of someone still following faithfully in the struggle that makes a difference in relate-ability and ultimately makes the book a stronger resource for all of those dealing with infertility. It is really a great resource for those starting off on this journey or looking for more resources to support them along the way.
**************************************************************************************
Finally, in being given a chance to read and review this book I was also given the opportunity to give one away to a reader! I’ve never actually done a giveaway before but am super excited to be able to have this as a giveaway prize!
Anyone can enter and the rules are simple: just leave a comment with your name (or pseudonym), email (only I will see your email – so I can tell you you won!) and one thing that you would look forward most about reading this book. Or the one thing you wish this book would address if you didn’t see it addressed up there. If you don’t feel comfortable commenting I’ll accept an email entry as well :)
I’ll close the comments in a week, April 24th, aka Baby Moonhead’s “official” LMP due date, select a winner at random and send you this book!
You can either try to win this book for yourself or for a friend who you know would appreciate it, both are great ideas!
Thanks again for reading and a special thanks to Angelique and Carmen for letting me get a head-start on the blog tour to accommodate for our blessed extenuating circumstances over here!
Filed under: Catholic infertility support - California, Catholic thought, Fertility Treatment, Spirituality, Sub-fertility | 12 Comments
Tomorrow is my last day at work.
The job that I was just starting back in August when I wrote this. Which was only a few days after I was here in that place so many of you know so well. Although I’ve sat in my cubicle and stared at our yearly calendar and had the end of April highlighted in yellow stars since August and those first few weeks and months really drraaaggggeed by, here we are. Nearing the end of April. What all this waiting has been for! And I’m beside myself!
And I just wanted to take a little moment to thank you again. Who knew my baby would be so loved by those who some of you whom I’ve never even met?
And maybe the best reminder of all…
My world was never over, but it sure felt like it some days. You never know what good changes might be right around the corner…
Filed under: Cool People, Giving Gratitude, My gift | 5 Comments
I'm a recently graduated, relocated, and married Catholic NFP teacher. I started this blog as an outlet for my non-research related thoughts as I avoided finishing my thesis. Those thoughts have now all but been consumed by our sub-fertility as we struggle understanding all the whys and hows. (Oh yeah, and I annoyingly don't use the word infertility). Now that the thesis is defended and turned in, I'll try to write about other things that interest me, but chances are it will still be related to fertility. 
